THAT BAMBOOZLER, SCAPIN!
____________________________
A Play in Two Acts
by
Jeff Barker
Adapted from Moliere’s “Les Fourberies De Scapin” 
with added interruptions and songs

Copyright  1992						321 Albany NE
by Jeff Barker							Orange City, IA 51041
								(712) 737-8090
								barker@nwciowa.edu

				Royalty and Rights

To obtain rights to produce this play and for a royalty quote, send a request to one of the following addresses: 

Mail:		Jeff Barker
321 Albany NE
Orange City, IA 51041

E-mail:		barker@nwciowa.edu

				Cast of Characters
				Requirements: 22 actors
Scapin (Molly Aihre):		Scapin is a servant to Leander.
Molly Aihre could be a student at a college/university or high school.  If so, she has prepared a project as the culmination of her studies.  She has decided to combine several classic sources and create a production for which she will direct, design, and play the title role.
Adapt the character Molly Aihre to your particular setting.  The idea of a senior project works well for schools.  In cases of community or professional productions . . . well, you figure it out. 
Sylvester:			servant to Octave
Octave:			son of Madame Argante
Leander:			son of Mister Geronte
Hyacinthe:			secretly engaged to Octave
Zerbinette:	beloved of Leander; long-lost daughter of Madame Argante
Madame Argante:		Octave's mother
Mister Geronte:		Leander's father; step-father of Hyacinthe
Nerine:				Hyacinthe's guardian and nurse
Bag lady
Lady with the watch
Local policeman (Rusty)	married to the lady with the watch
Local policeman (Del Wallinga)
Actress from the audience (Wendy)
Irate Audience member (Del Potter)
Audience member who throws paper airplanes (Adam)
Stage Manager (Lissa)
Sound Operator (Marty)
House Manager (Amy)
Props Mistress (Sarah)
Local Minister
Local Minister's wife

The characters in this play do not pronounce the French names correctly.  Geronte is “guhronnie.”  Argante is “argonnie.”  Scapin is “scape-in.”

PLEASE NOTE: several of the above roles can be played by a male or female. Scapin himself is a male character played by a female actor.

Since actors sometimes play themselves as well as their characters, they are sometimes referred to in the script by their own names.  This text uses the actors names from the original production as follows:

Irate Audience Member . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Del Potter Paper Airplane Thrower . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Adam Rasmussen Actress . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wendy Jo Fastenow Watch Lady . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gail Marincovich Policemen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rusty Marincovich and Del Wallinga Tourists(local minister and wife) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rev. Bill and Nella Kennedy Scapin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Molly Aihre (Kimberly Ann Wilson) Sylvester . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . David Earl White Octave . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Matt J. Corozine Leander . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Scott Isebrand Mr. Geronte . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Steve Hays Madame Argante . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lynnette Webb Hyacinthe . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dana Smith Zerbinette . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Carrie M. Rubenking Nerine . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kathy Vaughn 17th Century Bag Lady . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Julie Crowder 

Songs

"Scapin Prologue" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . written by Jeff Barker and Susan West "Molly's Theme" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . written by Jeff Barker "Love That Isn't You" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . written by Dan Meharg "Scapin Rap" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  written by Dana Smith 

				Scene
	The docks of an old Italian city, with several entrances.
In the original production, we used a set that had 17th century elements and 20th century elements.  We had two house fronts on either side of the stage, with a second story bridge upstage, affording a hiding place underneath and three entrances onto this second story (two from backstage and one set of stairs onstage).  Down right, there was a crane which provided considerable flying around and lifting of people.  

All that you really need to produce the play are a flat or two with some doors for entrances.  A painted drop in the back will help establish style and environment.	

				Time

Seventeenth century and present day.

				History

That Bamboozler, Scapin! is a play that is a fairly true-spirited adaptation of Moliere's Les Fourberies De Scapin.  Moliere, in turn, based his play on (some would say "stole his play from") Cyrano de Bergerac, Terence, Plautus and others.  In the 1970s, the Young Vic Company adapted Moliere's play into a modern story entitled Scapino!  That Bamboozler, Scapin! returns the play to its original setting, but it throws Moliere himself in with the bargain.  The seventeenth century and the twentieth century collide on our doorstep, and we're invited to join in the fun!

				Who Should Do This Play?

That Bamboozler, Scapin! is written for an environment in which people know the actors playing the characters.

				A Note from the Playwright

You have my permission to make cuts, changes, interpolations, and additions.  In fact, if I find out that you produced it without adding any fun ideas of your own, I'm gonna be pretty disappointed.

Finally a big thank you to the two acting companies who contributed to the evolution of this script.  This play was produced in an earlier version at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb, Illinois.  The version which you have in your hands was first produced at Northwestern College in Orange City, Iowa.

				The Program

The inside of the program proclaims that this is a play written by, directed by, designed by, and starring Molly Aihre.  The actors playing 17th century characters have their names printed.  The surprise actors are not printed here, but perhaps an additional half-sheet program can be passed out as people leave the theatre.  This program gives the names and roles of these other actors.

Consider printing the following quiz in your program:

				“A Plot Quiz”
				(fill in the blanks as we go!)

Mr. ________________ and Madame ____________________ go away on a business voyage.  They leave their respective sons, ________________ and __________________ in the hands of the seventeenth century equivalent of daycare for young men:  the hired guardian.  ________________ is hired for the old miser's son, and the old biddy's son is cared for by ___________________.  ____________________ is a brat, and ____________________  is a whiner.  Kids in the seventeenth century are supposed to wait for their parents to track down a mate for them, but lacking close supervision, young Leander promptly falls in love with ______________who is a gypsy (of all things, gasp!)  Uh, oh.  Octave, in the meantime, comes to the aid of a ship-wrecked girl named ______________.  The girl's parents have died, and so her nurse, _____________________, and the girl are on their way from Tarente to meet the girl's uncle and new guardian.  Octave falls desperately in love.  When the two parents suddenly return, Scapin (the leader of the two shiftless servants) is assigned the task of conning the parents out of expense money to support the two girls.  To make matters even worse, the parents have already arranged a wife for Octave.

	But . . . all of the troubles are nothing but a welcome challenge to the greatest bamboozler of them all, ________________!

				ACT I

AT RISE:  	As the audience members file in, the ACTORS who are in 17th century dress greet them and welcome them to Molly Aihre's senior project.  They play the piano, flute, guitar, tambourine, sing, juggle, do card tricks, usher, do gymnastics, mime, sell buttons with the show title, tell people what their character names are, get the audience members to meet people next to them, etc.  The cast should invent some small group (or large group) activities to get the audience as actively involved as possible.  This could include anything from singing theme songs of old TV shows to playing a card game on stage.  All this activity is done not in character, but as the actor's own self.  This is true for every 17th character except the actor who is playing MOLLY AIHRE.  Her task is to make a brief appearance late in the game to speak with six to ten members of the audience and borrow jewelry items from them (with every assurance that they will be returned safely).  SHE does this quietly, privately, and quickly.  SHE borrows watches from GAIL and DEL POTTER.

There are several surprise actors in the play who are planted in the audience.  Their task is to enter as an audience member and to convince people around them that they are seeing this play for the first time.

At an appropriate signal, the 17th century actors gather on stage.  They sing and dance "Swords and Gypsies".

	"SCAPIN PROLOGUE"

PUNCH THE CLOCK, OUR WORK DAY'S DONE.
GRAB SOME SUPPER ON THE RUN.
TO THE PLAYHOUSE FOR SOME FUN,
TA-MA-NA-NA-NIMINY-NAY!

REFRAIN:
YOUNG'S THE NIGHT, NOW LEND AN EAR.
PLAYING TIME IS DRAWING NEAR.
READY ALL TO STOMP AND CHEER.
TA-MA-NA-NA-NIMINY-NAY!
YA-MA-NA-NA-YIMINY-YAY!

SWORDS AND GYPSIES, LOVE AND STRIFE.
TEARS AND LAUGHTER, DEATH AND LIFE.
DANCE AND MUSIC, COLORS AND LIGHT.
TA-MA-NA-NA-NIMINY-NAY!

(Repeat refrain two more times.  Big cheer after final time.)
	
EARL                                                                                                    Good evening ladies and gentlemen.  Welcome to Molly Aihre's senior theatre project.  
(HE may at this point ad-lib some remarks about certain members of the audience.  HE might also say, "The men's restroom is down that hall and to your right.  I don't know where the women's is, but that is where the men's is located.")
And now, watch and listen, listen and watch as we introduce the acting company and the cast of characters.

(As each actor introduces him/herself, he/she starts out as the actor and makes a striking, fun transition into his/her character.)

ARGANTE                                                                                    Hi.  My name's Lynnette.  I play Madame Argante.  I have a son named Octave.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         I'm Steve.  I play the old miser, Mr. Geronte.  I, too, have a son; his name is Leander.

(The two SONS step forward together.)

MATT                                                                                        I play Octave, the mama's boy.

                                                SCOTT                                                                                And I'm Leander, Geronte's brat.

MATT                                                                                        His real name is Scott, but he really is a brat.

                                                SCOTT                                                                                And Matt here really is in love with Hyacinthe.
(HE does kissing noises toward MATT.)

MATT
Quit it!

DANA                                                                      
(running forward, whispering to them, "You guys!")  
Hi.  My name is Dana.  I play Hyacinthe.

(SHE crosses to stand by MATT, which causes SCOTT to pick up his kissing noises.)

CARRIE                                                                              (slapping SCOTT on the back of the head)  
Freshman!  
(If HE'S not a freshman, SHE should make some other insult.) 
Hi.  I'm the gypsy.  He loves me.  I don't love him.  
(SHE laughs.)

DANA                                                                              (whispering)  
Your name!

CARRIE                                                                              (to audience)  
It's in your program.

KATHY                                                                              
(signaling for DANA to come with her)  
I'm Kathy.  I play Nerine, Hyacinthe's nurse.

CARRIE                                                                                 I don't have a nurse.  I have kidnappers.

EARL                                                                   
Now don't worry.  It gets a lot more confusing than this.  My name's Earl and I play one of the two shiftless servants, Sylvester.  And the most shiftless servant of all is played by Molly Aihre.

(Pause.  SHE misses her entrance.)

                                                EARL (continued)                                                                                    
Molly Aihre!  That bamboozler, Scapin!

(We hear a loud argument from backstage.)

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Lissa, I'm missing my entrance.

LISSA                                                                                 (HUGE!  This is obviously the climax of her point.)  
Well, it's not going to make much difference if we get all the way through the play and there's no ending.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Stop worrying about it.  There'll be an ending.

                                                LISSA                                                                                   When are you going to write it?

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   I'm not going to write it.

                                                LISSA                                                                                   Then WHO is?! 

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   I'll improvise it.

                                                LISSA                                                                                   You'll improvise an ending.  
(disgusted)  
Great.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   I'll worry about it.  You get to the booth and stage manage!

                                                LISSA                                                                                   Fine.  

(SHE is thrown onto stage by MOLLY.  SHE sees the audience and a panicked smile arrives at her face.  SHE glances down at her promptbook.  Then SHE yells to the light booth.) 
 
LISSA (continued)
House to half, Stage cue 2B - GO!  
(LIGHTS change, and SHE says sarcastically:)  
Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to the endless senior project of Molly Aihre!

(MOLLY enters with all the energy and poise of an old pro.  SHE bows.  Her fellow ACTORS applaud her warmly and start their exits.)

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Friends.  Welcome!  
(pause)  
Hit it Marty.  
(pause)  
An a one an a two . . . 

MARTY                                                                                 (coming from the sound booth to as visible a position as possible, SHE is carrying a box filled with records and tapes)  
				MARTY (continued)
Pssst.  Molly.

MOLLY                                                                                 (an attempt to cover)  
Ladies and Gentlemen, our sound operator--Marty!  
(applause)

MARTY                                                                                 (after the applause dies down, SHE says sweetly and shyly to the audience)  
Hi.  
(panicked to MOLLY)  
What am I supposed to do, Molly?!

MOLLY                                                                                 (to the audience)  
Ladies and Gentlemen, would you all take out your programs please?  
(grabbing a program from someone in the front row)  
Turn to the back page.  Everybody got it?  Great!  Look that over, so that you're ready to fill it out as we go along . . . uh . . . and we'll begin in just a minute.  
(See suggested program quiz at back of script.)

(This is a great sense of urgency in what follows.  Overlap where possible.)

                                                MOLLY (continued)                                                                                   Did you get the tape for the opening song?

                                                MARTY                                                                                   Yeah.  Yeah, I did.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Well, can you play it?

                                                MARTY                                                                                   Well, yeah, of course, but . . .

MOLLY                                                                                 (turning to go)  
Great, let's do the show.

MARTY 
Well, yeah, but what about the rest of the show?

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Oh.  You got the box of my records and tapes, didn't you?

                                                MARTY                                                                                   Well, yeah, but I thought you were gonna tell me which songs you wanted . . . which music you wanted played . . .

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Right, right, I know, I'm sorry.  Listen, I promise . . . listen, for tonight, you play whatever works for you, okay?

                                                MARTY                                                                                   Play whatever works for me?

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Yeah, there's a lot of stuff in the box.  Play whatever works for you.  For tonight, you're the sound designer.

                                                MARTY                                                                                   Wow.  Thanks.  Wow.  THANKS!  
(SHE leaves with the box.  Then, as the door to the booth closes:)  
Wow, ______________________ 
(SHE cites some record that ends up being used in the show.)

MOLLY                                                                                 (dashing back onto stage)  
And once again, friends.  Welcome.  
(There is a slight pause.  MOLLY points toward the sound booth.)

MARTY                                                                                 (opening the booth door, to call out)  
Now, Molly?

MOLLY                                                                                 (struggling to keep cool)  
Yes, Marty, now.

(The SOUND TRACK for "Molly's Theme" begins, the HOUSE LIGHTS fade, and the show is finally underway.  MOLLY is pleased.  LIGHTS go out and a SPOTLIGHT hits her.)

"MOLLY'S THEME"

WHATAYA GONNA DO WHEN YOU WANNA GET A PART,
WHEN YA WANNA GET A PART IN A CLASSIC PLAY,
AND THE PARTS THAT YOU WANT WITH ALL YOUR HEART
ARE MEN, ARE MEN, ARE MEN?
THEY WROTE THOSE PARTS FOR MEN.

SHAKESPEARE AND SOPHOCLES WROTE A FEW PLAYS,
AND SOME OF THEM ARE PRETTY FAIR.
BUT WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN ALL THE PARTS ARE FOR MEN,
AND YOUR NAME IS MOLLY AIHRE?
YES YOUR NAME IS MOLLY AIHRE.

I SAY WHAT
I SAY WHAT
I SAY WHAT
YA GONNA DO?
OH, I SAY WHAT
I SAY WHAT
I SAY WHAT
YA GONNA DO?

(During the above part, MOLLY does not need to sing all the lyrics.  SHE can ad-lib some banter with the crowd.)

WHATAYA GONNA DO WHEN YA FIND A FUNNY SCENE,
WHEN YA FIND A FUNNY SCENE IN A CLASSIC PLAY,
AND YOU SEE YOU GOT A CHANCE AT BEIN' COMEDY QUEEN,
BUT THEY WROTE THOSE SCENES FOR MEN.
FOR MEN, FOR MEN, FOR MEN.

TERENCE AND DE BERGERAC WROTE A FEW JOKES,
AND SOME OF THEM ARE PRETTY FAIR.
BUT WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN ALL THOSE JOKES ARE FOR MEN,
AND YOUR NAME IS MOLLY AIHRE?
YES, YOUR NAME IS MOLLY AIHRE.

I SAY WHAT 
I SAY WHAT
I SAY WHAT
YA GONNA DO?
OH, I SAY WHAT
I SAY WHAT
I SAY WHAT
YA GONNA DO?

WELL, THIS IS WHAT YA DO WHEN YOU WANNA PLAY A PART,
WHEN YOU FIND A FUNNY SCENE,
WHEN YOU GET TO RUN THE SHOW,
(SHE does not sing the next line, but speaks it as SHE pencils in a mustache in full view of the audience.)
AND YOUR NAME IS MOLLY AIHRE.
YES, MY NAME IS MOLLY AIHRE!

(During the above song, the LIGHTS narrow in on MOLLY.  FOLLOW SPOT hits her.  ACTORS exit to places.  The SONG ends, the SPOT blacks out and MUSIC transitions into the morning dock scene.  The LIGHTS come up.  An old woman BAG LADY moves through.  Her banging and muttering awaken HYACINTHE and OCTAVE who have been asleep in one another's arms after a glorious late night walk on the docks.
LEANDER'S GYPSY crosses upstage.  SHE teases him.  HE tries to kiss her and SHE avoids it.  SHE laughs and runs off.  HE realizes the game of the night is over and does not follow her.  HE looks down and catches OCTAVE tenderly kissing HYACINTHE on the forehead.  LEANDER clears his throat and OCTAVE and HYACINTHE break.  HYACINTHE leaves and OCTAVE teasingly whips out his sword.  LEANDER and OCTAVE do a brief sword fight which ends with LEANDER disarming OCTAVE.  HE bows to the crowd saying "Thank you, thank you".  OCTAVE tickles LEANDER who shouts "No fair!" and OCTAVE chases him off stage.
CHURCH BELLS ring.  The BAG LADY walks down to the front of the stage.  SHE stares down into the front row.)

BAG LADY                                                                                 (disgustedly)  
I know you're out there.  You stink.  Stupid fish!  

(SHE spits, and turns slowly and exits.  A SCREAM is heard.  It is OCTAVE.  LEANDER comes running through and out.  OCTAVE runs on calling "Hyacinthe!"  SHE is gone.  SYLVESTER enters after OCTAVE.  HE carries a comb and hat and coat.  HE assists OCTAVE in sprucing up during this scene.)

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   So, my uncle knows everything.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Yes, sir.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Did you let him in the house?

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   No.  

(OCTAVE is relieved.)  

			SYLVESTER (continued)
I left him waiting on the front step.  

(OCTAVE is panicked.)

OCTAVE                                                                                 (As in "tell me again!")  
What did he tell you?

(SYLVESTER opens his mouth, but OCTAVE answers his own question.)

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   That he has a letter from my mother.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Yes, sir.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   That she will arrive home this very morning.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   
	(joining in)
This very morning.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   That she comes back resolved to marry me off.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Yes.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   To a daughter of Mr. Geronte.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   
	(joining in)
Of Mr. Gernonte.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   And that Gernonte's daughter will be coming from Tarente to marry me.

SYLVESTER                                                                                 (joining in)
To marry you.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   And worst of all, my uncle has found out about me and the other girl.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   
	(joining in)
The other girl.

                                                BOTH                                                                                   And he's going to tell (your/my) mother.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Will you stop taking words out of my mouth!

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Sorry, sir.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   She's going to try and force me to marry for money.  

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   
	(joining in)
Marry for money

(OCTAVE looks back sharply at SYLVESTER.)

			SYLVESTER (continued)
Sorry, sir.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   She might even disinherit me.  Give me some advice.  What am I to do in this--horrible situation?

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   In truth, I find myself at a loss to help you, I have great need of advice myself.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   There'll be no end of her
(mocking his mother) 
"yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip . . ."

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Yipping counts for nothing.  For my part I am more likely to pay dearer for your follies; and I see already, gathering from afar, a rain cloud of blows from your mother's cane that will storm down upon my back.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Oh Heavens!  What am I to do to get out of this horrible situation?

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   You ought to have thought of that before getting into it.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Ah!  you will be the death of me with your ill-timed lectures.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   You will be much more the death of me with your thoughtless actions.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   What am I to do, what am I to do, what am I to do! 

(OCTAVE sits with his thumb in his mouth.  MOLLY swings in on a rope from off stage.)

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      How now, young Octave?  What ails you?  What is the matter?  What is amiss?  You are very much upset I see.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Ah! kind old Scapin, I am lost; I am desperate; I am the most unfortunate of men.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Why so?

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Have you heard nothing about my situation?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      No.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   My mother is coming home and she's made me a match.  I am to marry Mr. Geronte's daughter.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I didn't know Leander had a sister.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Neither did he.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Well . . . what is there so terrible in that?

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Do you not know?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      No; but it lies entirely with you for me to know it shortly; I am ready to interest myself in young people's affairs.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Ah!  Scapin, if you could invent some plot to get me out of this mess I'll owe you more than my life.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Truth to tell, there are few things impossible to me, when it pleases me to meddle with them.  And I can say, without boasting, that there never was a more clever manipulator of tricks and cons than myself.  Who has won more glory at that noble craft than I.  But, upon my word, merit is too badly treated now-a-days; and I have given up all these things since a certain vexatious incident happened to me.

(MOLLY interrupts herself because SHE hears and sees something at the back of the auditorium.  It is GAIL, who has entered with the POLICEMEN.)

GAIL                                                                                 (bursting in, speaking right out loud, overlapping during much of the above monologue)  
That's the one right there.

                                                RUSTY                                                                                   Would you hold it down please?

                                                GAIL                                                                                   No, I will not hold it down.  I want her arrested.

                                                DEL WALLINGA                                                                                     That's fine.  We'll take it from here.

                                                RUSTY                                                                                   We don't need to interrupt the play.

                                                GAIL                                                                                   No.  
(SHE enters and walks down the aisle and stands at the front of the stage with her arms crossed.)  
I want my watch back right now, and I want her arrested.

(DEL WALLINGA and RUSTY decide to cross down the aisle.  AMY, the house manager, enters from the aisle on the other side of the house.)

                                                AMY                                                                                      Excuse me.  I'm the house manager.  Is there some problem?

RUSTY                                                                                 (to the audience)  
There's no reason for concern, folks.

                                                GAIL                                                                                   There most certainly is!

LISSA                                                                                 (yelling down from the booth)  
What's happening down there, Molly?

MOLLY                                                                                 (hollering up to LISSA)  
Bring the house up, Lissa.  I've got everything under control.

                                                LISSA                                                                                   Great.  Write the end of the play while you're at it.

(HOUSE LIGHTS come up.)

DEL WALLINGA                                                                                   (taking charge)  
Everyone please remain seated.  We're with the Sheriff's office.  We're here on a complaint.  
(turning to MOLLY)  
Could we speak with you outside for a moment?

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   We're doing a play right now.  Could this wait until afterwards?

                                                RUSTY                                                                                   It certainly could.  
(to GAIL, as HE starts up the aisle)  
Come on, Ma'am.

                                                GAIL                                                                                   Don't you ma'am me!  You don't want these people to know I'm your wife do you?!

(RUSTY stops and rolls his eyes.)

DEL WALLINGA                                                                                   (to MOLLY)  
We're going to have to ask you to step outside right now.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   If you have something to ask me, we can do it right here.

DEL WALLINGA                                                                                   (coming a step or two closer, perhaps up onto the stage)  
				DEL WALLINGA (continued)
Mrs. Marincovich claims that you stole . . .

GAIL                                                                                 (interrupting furiously)  
"Claims" nothing.  She stole it, and I want it . . .

DEL WALLINGA                                                                                   (appealing to RUSTY for help)  
Rusty . . .!

                                                RUSTY                                                                                   GAIL!!!

DEL WALLINGA
(turning back to MOLLY and picking up speed)  
Mrs. Marincovich charges you with theft for stealing her watch.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   I didn't steal her watch.

                                                GAIL                                                                                   That little liar.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   I borrowed her watch and, I should add, with her permission.

                                                RUSTY                                                                                   Is that the truth?

                                                GAIL                                                                                   Well . . . yes, but she said that she-- 

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   If she'd like it back now, I have it right here.  
(MOLLY digs into the bag around her waist and holds out a watch.)  
Here!

                                                GAIL                                                                                   That's not my watch.

MOLLY                                                                                 (embarrassed)  
Oh.

DEL POTTER                                                                                    (from the audience)  
Excuse me.  I think maybe that's my watch.

                                                GAIL                                                                                   See!!  Why don't you ask her how many other people she's "borrowed" things from?

                                                DEL WALLINGA                                                                                      Is there anyone else who has loaned personal property to this individual?

(Several hands go up.)

MOLLY                                                                                 (not waiting too long for the hands to go up)  
No problem.  Fine.  I have everybody's things right here. 

(SHE returns everyone's items, ad-libbing comments to audience, talking the entire time SHE'S handing things back.  DEL WALLINGA also ad-libs comments directed toward MOLLY such as, "Ma'am, ma'am, please could you just come here for a minute.  Ma'am please."  The last item MOLLY takes from her bag is a gaudy pair of underwear.  SHE holds them up for all to see.  Then SHE says, "Oh there you are.  You forget these."  SHE hands them back and returns to stage.)

                                                DEL WALLINGA                                                                                    Is there anyone here who wishes to press formal charges against this individual?

(pause)

                                                GAIL                                                                                   Yes, I do.

RUSTY                                                                                 (whining)  
Gail . . .

                                                GAIL                                                                                   Are you a sheriff or are you a wimp?

                                                DEL WALLINGA
I'm sorry, ma'am.  We're going to have to take you over to the station for some questions.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   But we're right in the middle of a play.

                                                DEL WALLINGA
I'm sorry folks.  The show's over for tonight.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   WHAT?!  
(SHE looks around with panic to the other ACTORS.  SYLVESTER is the one who first gets the idea to start a chant.  OTHERS join in readily and coax the AUDIENCE to help out.)

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   ON WITH THE SHOW!  ON WITH THE SHOW!  
(etc.)

(This finally sends DEL WALLINGA and RUSTY into a huddle for discussion.  They break out and wave for silence.)

                                                DEL WALLINGA
O.K.  We've decided we're going to let the show continue.

(wild applause)

GAIL                                                                                 (stares at DEL for a moment in disbelief, speaking as the applause dies)  
WHAT?!

RUSTY                                                                                 (to MOLLY for GAIL'S benefit)  
But we're going to stay here to keep an eye on you.  And you're going to the station the second this play is over.

MOLLY                                                                                           
            (helpfully)  
Amy!  Could we get some seats for these two fine officers.  

                                                DEL WALLINGA
We need seats on either side right here in the front.

AMY                                                                                                (talking to patrons on each side)  
I'm sorry.  Could I ask you to move to those seats right over there?

(People move.  As they move MOLLY ad-libs lines such as, "Thanks, thanks.  Sorry about that.  Thank you.  Sorry."  The POLICEMEN sit.  GAIL sits.)

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Everybody situated?  
				MOLLY (continued)
            (hollering up to the booth)  
Lissa?

LISSA                                                                                             (furiously)  
Take it back to Matt's line.  House out.  Stage cue 5B - GO!

(House and stage do instant LIGHTING SHIFTS, which have the effect of turning on the action.)

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Scapin, if you could invent something, concoct some plot to get me out of the difficulty in which I am, I should think that I owed you more than my life.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I have given up all these things since a certain vexatious incident that happened to me.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   What?  What incident Scapin?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      An adventure through which I became embroiled with the law.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   The law?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes, we had a little quarrel together.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   You and the law?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      
	(beginning to move off stage)
Yes.  It treated me very badly; and I feel so nettled at the ingratitude of the age, that I have made up my mind not to help people anymore.  

				DEL WALLINGA
	(interrupting)
Ma'am could you stay on the stage please. 

				SCAPIN
Basta!  Do not let that interrupt the telling of your story.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   You are aware, Scapin, that two months ago my Mother and Leander's father went away on a business voyage.

SCAPIN/SYLVESTER                                    
Yeah, right.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Well, it was a business voyage.  I think.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Proceed.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   You and Sylvester were hired as valets to Leander and myself--to care for Leander and me while our parents were away.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes.  I have discharged that duty very well.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   On the first night our parents were away, you two took us to a dock side bar, did you not?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Cultural education.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   And I never met Leander before that night, did I?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      How should I know?

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Did I Sylvester?

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   As you say, sir.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Within two weeks, Leander met a young gypsy, with whom he fell in love.

(SCAPIN is not impressed or concerned.)

                                                OCTAVE (continued)                                                                                  Without his father's consent.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      He'll give his consent.

OCTAVE/SYLVESTER                                                                                   
To marry a gypsy?!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Are you through with your story?

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   No!  It was Leander who brought me down here on the docks to meet his gypsy friends. 
            (to the audience) 
My mother doesn't allow me to come down to the docks.

(SCAPIN gives a big yawn)

                                                OCTAVE (continued)                                                                                  If you had been keeping better watch on Leander, it wouldn't have happened.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      And what exactly was this ubiquitous "IT".

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Well . . .  As Leander and I were passing a narrow alleyway, I happened to glance in.  
            (ROMANTIC MUSIC plays) 
And that glance changed my life forever.  There she lay, asleep on the cold earth, with her watchful nurse beside her.  Anyone else would have looked despicable in her state.  Her clothes were nearly rags.  Her hair fell in disorder across her face.  Neither the nurse nor the girl had eaten for several days.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      How came they to this happy state?

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Her parents have been dead this one half year.  The nurse and the girl set out for this city to locate the girl's uncle and guardian.  On the way, their ship went down in a storm, and they lost all their earthly belongings.  And now, having finally arrived here in the city, they have been unable to find the girl's uncle.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      And you have taken pity.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Nay.  I have fallen in love.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Oh ho!  So Sylvester, you old scamp, you two are faced with the task of weaseling a parent's consent. 

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Just wait.  It gets worse.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   I tried to help them in every way I could.  And day by day, I fell deeper and deeper in love.  The nurse began to suspect. She told me that the girl, though without means, was of a good family, and could not be courted without the consent of her guardian.  We began to meet on the sly.  Every moment with Hyacinthe is like a year in heaven.

(SCAPIN gives a huge groan)

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   If you don't cut this story short, we shall be here till tomorrow.  
(SYLVESTER signals to the sound booth to cut the music.  MUSIC stops suddenly.) 
Let me sum it up in three words: betrothed last night.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Unofficially.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Add to this the unexpected return of his mother.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      When?

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   This morning.

(SCAPIN chuckles)

OCTAVE (continued)/SYLVESTER                                                                                   
AND Leander's father.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      You are both very much upset by a trifle!  What is there to be alarmed at?  
            (to SYLVESTER)  
And you.  Are you not ashamed to be thus at your wit's end for so small a matter?  Tcha!  You are a blockhead!  I had already tricked my way out of a hundred scrapes like this when I was only that high.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   I confess that Heaven has not given me those talents.  
            (HE looks at the POLICEMEN.)  
And that I have not the wit to entangle myself with the law, as you have.

            (HYACINTHE enters.)

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Hyacinthe!

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      Ah!  Octave, is it true?  That your mother is returning and that she wishes you to marry?

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Yes, fair Hyacinthe.  And these tidings have struck me a cruel blow.  But what do I see?  You weep!  Why these tears?  Do you suspect any inconstancy on my part?  And are you not convinced of my love for you?

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      Yes, Octave, I am certain that you love me, but I am not so sure that you will always do so.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   As if one could love you, and not love you for life?

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      I have heard it said, Octave, that your sex loves not so long as ours.  
            (If audience titters at all, SHE points to them and says "See!")  
Men's passions are fires which are as easily quenched as kindled.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Ah!  my dear Hyacinthe, my heart is not like that of other men; I shall love you till death.

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      I believe that you feel as you say, and I doubt not that your words are sincere; but I dread a power which will combat the tender sentiments which you may have for me.  Your mother wishes to marry you to another; and I should die if this misfortune comes to pass.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   No, Hyacinthe, there is no force that can compel me to break my faith with you.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   You haven't met his mother.
            (MATT gives DAVID a dirty look, as if that were an ad-libbed line.)

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Rather than leave you, I am determined to quit my family, my fortune, and life itself if necessary.  Without having even seen the lady whom they intend for me, I have already taken an unconquerable dislike to her, and, without being cruel, I wish the sea would drive her far away from here for evermore.  
            (OCTAVE is proud of himself for his courage.  HE make a growl sound.)  
Do not cry then Hyacinthe, for your tears break my heart.

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      Since you wish it, I shall dry them, and I shall steadfastly await what it shall please Heaven to do with me.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Heaven will favor us.

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      As long as you are true, Heaven cannot be adverse.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   I shall be true.

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      Then I shall be happy.

(HYACINTHE and OCTAVE lean ever so slowly toward a kiss, and suddenly, from DEL WALLINGA’S WALKIE-TALKIE, we hear:)

                                                DISPATCHER                                                                                      84 J [insert local county name] County.  
(Note:  this effect is accomplished by using one walkie-talkie in the sound booth and having the POLICEMAN carry the other one.)

            (DEL leaps to his feet and stands by the wall to respond.)

                                                DEL WALLINGA                                                                                     Go ahead [insert local county name] County.  

                                                DISPATCHER                                                                                      If you're not 10-6 can you give me a PBX.  

                                                DEL WALLINGA                                                                                     Negative.  Go ahead with your traffic.

                                                DISPATCHER                                                                                      Is 84-4 there with you?

DEL WALLINGA                                                                                               (glancing over at RUSTY, who immediately stands)  
Affirmative.

                                                DISPATCHER                                                                                      84-5 asked me to tell you guys that coffee and doughnuts are ready.

(DEL WALLINGA signals immediately to RUSTY and they start out.  GAIL stands up where SHE is in the audience.)

                                                GAIL                                                                                   Do you mean to tell me that you guys are going to leave a stakeout to go for coffee and doughnuts?

RUSTY                                                                                             (exasperated)  
Gail....

DEL WALLINGA                                                                                               (in control)  
Mrs. Marincovich.  

            (SHE turns to DEL WALLINGA.)  

				DEL WALLINGA (continued)
That's police code for emergency.

GAIL                                                                                             (impressed)  
Oooooh.  Sorry.  
            (SHE sits.)

RUSTY                                                                                             (mispronouncing her name)  
You.  Scrapin!  We're gonna put surveillance on the exits to this building, so don't try anything funny.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Yes sir.

                                                RUSTY                                                                                   Gail, you wanna cover the south side for us?

GAIL                                                                                             (stands and heads out)  
You bet, sweet potato.

RUSTY 
(as they continue exiting)
Gail...

                                                GAIL                                                                                   Well, I didn't know you don't like to be called sweet potato.

                                                RUSTY                                                                                   I DO like to be called that.  Just not in public.

            (They are out.)

MOLLY                                                                                             (noticing RUSTY'S gun)  
Wait a minute.  Hey, wait.  You forgot your....

            (SHE picks it up out of the seat where RUSTY was sitting.)

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Look guys.

(SHE waves it toward the other ACTORS who duck.  She thinks that's sorta fun.  SHE points it at the light booth.)  

				MOLLY (continued)
Oh . . . . . . . . Lissa . . . . !

LISSA                                                                                             (real panic)  
House out!

            (LIGHTS change.  OCTAVE starts speaking as SCAPIN puts the gun down.)

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Hyacinthe.  Here is a man who could be of wonderful assistance to us, if only he would.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I have made a solemn vow not to meddle any more with the world.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Ah!  I implore you with all my heart to take over the helm of our ship.

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      I entreat of you, likewise, by all that is most dear to you in this world, to assist us in our love.  

(SHE has picked up RUSTY'S gun.  Now SHE leans back with both hands on the gun, pointing it at SCAPIN.)

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      One must give way sometimes, and show some human feelings.  Go on I shall make myself busy for you.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Be assured that. . . .

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Hush! 
            (to HYACINTHE)  
Put yourself at ease.  Go.  

(HYACINTHE exits, whispering sweet good-byes to OCTAVE.  SHE stops in the doorway, overcome with sadness at the thought of parting with OCTAVE.  SHE rushes back for an embrace.  Exits again.  Turns back in door again.  Seeing what's coming, SCAPIN and SYLVESTER toss OCTAVE aside and grab HYACINTHE on either arm as SHE rushes back, lifting her off the ground, feet flying.  They turn her around and throw her out the door.  After a moment, a huge CLATTER OF POTS AND PANS are heard from off stage.)

SCAPIN (continued)                                                                                                (to OCTAVE)  
Now.  Prepare to meet your mother.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   I confess that this meeting makes me tremble.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Tremble inside.  Outside, look firm.  If she sees your weakness, she will lead you like a child.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   I shall try my very best.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Come, let us rehearse.  Head erect, look steady.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Like this?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      A little more still.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   In this way?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      That is it.  

(SCAPIN slaps OCTAVE on the back, causing him to cough on the front row, for which HE apologizes.)  

				SCAPIN (continued)
Imagine me to be your mother who has just arrived, and answer me unflinchingly, as if I were she.  "How!  You scoundrel, you good for nothing wretch, you son unworthy of a mother like me, do you dare to appear before me after the vile deeds you have perpetuated during my absence?  Is this the fruit of all my cares, you rogue?  Is this the fruit of all my cares?  The respect which is due me, the esteem which you have for me?  And you have the insolence, you knave, to get engaged without the consent of your mother, to contract a clandestine marriage!  Answer me, you rogue, answer me.  Let us hear a few of your specious arguments . . ." Ah!  What the devil!  Why are you not answering?

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Because I am imagining that you are my mother.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Ah.  Yes.  For this very reason you ought not to look like a simpleton.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   I shall pluck up a little more resolution, and I shall answer her firmly.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Are you sure?

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   I am sure.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Good.  Here comes your mother.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Oh Heaven!  I am lost. 

            (OCTAVE exits.  ARGANTE is entering.)

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Wait!  Octave!  Stop, Octave.  He has fled!  What a poor specimen of a man!  Let us wait for the old bag.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   What shall I say to her?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Follow my lead.

(ARGANTE has entered.  SCAPIN and SYLVESTER hide where the audience can see them, but ARGANTE cannot.)

ARGANTE                                                                                          (believing herself alone)  
Has ever the like been heard?

SCAPIN                                                                                                (to SYLVESTER)  
She has already heard of the affair.

ARGANTE                                                                                          (believing herself alone)  
This is a very great piece of audacity!

SCAPIN                                                                                                (to SYLVESTER)  
Let us listen awhile.

ARGANTE                                                                                          (believing herself alone)  
I should like to hear what they have to say about this blessed engagement.

SCAPIN                                                                                                (aside)  
Well, we're thinking about that.

ARGANTE                                                                                          (believing herself alone)  
All their speeches will be useless.

SCAPIN                                                                                                (aside)  
We shall see.
	(SCAPIN exits.)

ARGANTE                                                                                          (believing herself alone)  
And as for this scoundrel Sylvester, I shall give him a sound thrashing.

SYLVESTER                                                                                             (to SCAPIN who is offstage)  
I would have been surprised if she had left me out.

ARGANTE                                                                                          (perceiving SYLVESTER)  
Ah!  Ah!  There you are, trustworthy family guardian, conscientious guide of young men!
(ARGANTE finds a board sitting on the dock and raises it to strike SYLVESTER.)

SCAPIN                                                                                                (SCAPIN re-enters from the other side of the stage, eating a chicken leg or something else more comic.  HE has a napkin tucked in his shirt.)  
I am delighted to have you home again, Madam.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Good day.  
(SHE is embarrassed to be caught looking as if SHE'S going to beat SYLVESTER.  SHE puts the board quickly aside and helps up SYLVESTER, straightening his tie, etc.)

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Scapin.  
            (to SYLVESTER)  
You have nothing to say, you rascal, nothing at all?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Has your journey been a pleasant one?

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Do I know you?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I am young Leander's valet.  Hired by Mr. Geronte, Leander's father.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Ah.  Have you not heard what has happened in my absence?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I have heard some little trifle spoken of.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Some little trifle!  A son who gets engaged without his parent's consent?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Oh, your son is not engaged Madam.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                What?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      He's married.
                   (ARANTE makes choking noises.)

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I would advise you not to make a noise about it.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                I will make as much noise as I like.  What!  Do you not think that I have every possible reason to be in a rage?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes, yes, yes, yes.  I was in a rage myself when I first found out about it.  Ask your son, how thoroughly I have upbraided him.  I could not have spoken better to him had I been yourself.  But then, I have come back to my senses, and I have reflected, that in the end, he is not so much to blame as one would think.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                He is not so much to blame to go and get married point blank to a strange girl?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Oh madam.  My master Leander has gone, and done very much worse than your son.  At any rate, when it comes down to it, your son had no choice.  What would you have him do?  He sees a pretty girl who looks favorably upon him, which is only natural since he has your good looks.  They send a few notes back and forth.  And then they sneak out one night for a harmless romantic walk along the docks, and surprise!  He is caught with her by her parents, who, compel him at sword point to sign a contract of marriage.

SYLVESTER                                                                                             (to the audience)  
She'll never believe this.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      It is better to be married than to be dead.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                They did not tell me that the affair happened thus.

SCAPIN                                                                                                (pointing to SYLVESTER)  
You can ask Sylvester if you don't believe me.

ARGANTE                                                                                          (to SYLVESTER)  
Is it by compulsion that my son was married?

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Yes, Ma’am.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                I shall have it annulled!  
            (SHE starts to exit.)

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      No.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                
	(turning back)
What!  Have I not a parent's rights in my favor, and the plea of the violence which has been done to my son?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Your son will never agree to it.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                What?!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Would you have him confess that he could be frightened, and that it was by force that they have made him do these things.  On the contrary, it is necessary, for his honor and for yours, that he say in society that he has married her of his own free will.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                And I desire, I, for my honor and for his, that he shall say the reverse.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      He will not do it, I tell you.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                He shall do it, or I shall disinherit him.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      You will not disinherit him.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                I will.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      You will not have the heart to do it.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                I will too!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Good heavens.  I can tell from the way you treated Sylvester.  You are naturally good hearted.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                I am not at all good hearted.  
            (grandiose and overdone)  
And I can be very spiteful when I like.

            (From the audience the ACTRESS gives a huge groan.)

ACTRESS                                                                                                (to someone next to her)  
Well don't look at me like that.  It's BAD acting.

            (The three ACTORS on stage look out at the audience.)

ACTRESS                                                                                                  
(to the person next to her)  
I could have played that part ten times better.  Probably twenty.  But they didn't even let me audition.

	(The ACTORS try to continue but the ACTRESS again interrupts.)

				ACTRESS (continued)
Why didn't you let me audition?
            (The play stops again.)
I'd just like to know why?

                                                LYNNETTE                                                                                      Excuse us.  We're trying to do a play here!

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      I've never seen such a bad actor.

LYNNETTE/MOLLY/EARL 
Which one?

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      That girl playing the old woman.  I'd like an answer.
            (SHE stands up.)  
Why didn't you even let me audition?

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   As I recall, you never showed up.

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      I showed up.  There was nobody here.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Well, I don't know what happened.  We waited fifteen minutes.

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      All right.  So I was a lousy twenty minutes late.  That's no reason to blackball somebody from a whole play.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Look, it's kinda late now.

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      You said you--you told the stage manager you were going to improvise something for the end.  So, why not improvise a part for me?

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   That's different.  That's not . . .

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      You don't even have an open mind about it.  If you just saw me audition once, I know you'd change your mind.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Look, could we please get on . . .

ACTRESS                                                                                                (SHE starts to the front.)  
Just let me audition.  That's all I ask.  I'll only take two minutes. 

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   No.
            (SHE gets an idea) 

				MOLLY (continued)
All right look.  We've decided everything about this show as a company.  I'll ask the company if they want to let you audition and whatever they say goes, okay?

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      Well . . .  Okay.

MOLLY                                                                                             (turns upstage)  
Everybody.  Come out here a sec.  Okay.

(All the ACTORS and TECHNICIANS come out.  Some have playing cards in their hands, some are half in 17th century dress and half in contemporary dress, some have headphones, baseball caps, coke cans, etc.)

				MOLLY (continued)
Okay.  Everybody.  Should we stop the play right now to let this actress have an audition?

ALL
            (resoundingly)  
NO!

(In the meantime, the ACTRESS has picked up DEL'S gun which was left lying on the stage.  SHE has it pointed at MOLLY.  MOLLY turns around, sees the gun and immediately says with a smile, as if this is what SHE was going to say anyway . . . )

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Go ahead and audition.

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      Oh, thank you.

(During the audition, the ACTORS all stay out on stage and watch.  They actually enjoy themselves, clapping and laughing.  It wins them over.)

ACTRESS                                                                                                (SHE does Romeo and Juliet in two minutes with broad physicality and presentational form; voice is broad as well.  SHE articulates well and has plenty of volume; SHE uses her body to communicate.)
Okay, I'd better do a warm up.
(does a roll down and an articulation exercise at the same time, in about three seconds)  
Okay.  And now ladies and gentlemen, Juliet Capulet.
            (blows a kiss to Romeo) 
Nurse, who was that gentle man?
            (learns who it is)  
Oh prodigious birth of love in me to make me love my loathed enemy.
            (runs to balcony, almost running over SYLVESTER, who dashes out of her way.)  
Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?  Oh there you are!  But if they see thee, they will murder thee!
            (throws shoe behind her)  
I hear some noise within.  Dear love, adieu.
            (runs, stops, runs back) 
Romeo, sssst!  Romeo!  Goodnight.  Goodnight.  Parting is such sweet ahhhh . . . 
            (remembers) 
sorrow!
            (runs back to Nurse)  
How now, honey nurse?  Hast thou met with Romeo?  What says he of our marriage?
            (to audience) 
At Friar Lawrence's cottage.
            (as Romeo mouths the words 'I do')
            (as Juliet) 
I do, too.
            (back to Nurse)  
What news, now, Nurse?  What?!  Tybalt is dead and Romeo banished?!  Give this ring to my true knight, and bid him come to take his last farewell.
            (sees Romeo, hugs him, goes down to ground and rolls over; to audience)  
The next day.
            (to Romeo) 
Get up, Romeo!
            (Pushing him out of bed.)  
Hie, hence, be gone away!
            (turns to Mother)  
What, Mother?!  Marry Paris?!
            (oooo yuck) 
Nurse, tell mother I'll be at Friar Lawrence's cottage.
            (at cottage)  
Oh, Friar Lawrence, bid me leap off the battlements rather than marry Paris.  Bid me lurk with serpents, chain me with--what?  A sleeping potion?  What a great idea!
            (drinks the vial; lies down, sits up as Romeo leaning over Juliet)  
Oh my love, my wife,  Death has sucked the honey from thy breath, but I will stay with thee.  Here's to my love.
            (toasts, and drinks)  
Thus, with a kiss, I die.
            (dies; Juliet awakens)  
Well, where is Romeo?  What's this?  Oh happy dagger
             (SHE has taken it from Romeo's sheath)  
This is thy sheath!
            (stabs herself, then dies two or three times)

(At the end, LYNNETTE, who has not been enjoying herself, throws the actress's boot or shoe at her, saying "Die already!")

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      Who threw that?
(LYNNETTE raises her hand defiantly.  The ACTRESS says sweetly, with dignity.)  
Thank you.
            (Then turning to MOLLY)  
Well?  Whatdya think?

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   It was a fine audition.  Thank you.
            (crossing upstage past the ACTRESS)  
All right, let’s go.

(ACTORS and TECHNICIANS exit the stage, leaving it as it was before the ACTRESS interupted.)

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      Well?
            (MOLLY looks at her blankly.)  
Do I get a part?

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   I'll think about it.

ACTRESS                                                                                                (her big break) 
You WILL?!  Oh thank you so much.  I won't let you down.  Thank you.  When will I find out what my part is?

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   If I can think of a part, you'll be the first to know.

ACTRESS                                                                                                (returning to her seat)  
Oh, thank you so much.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Lissa!

LISSA                                                                                             (very grumpy)  
House, stage--GO!

ARGANTE                                                                                          (to SYLVESTER) 
Go, rascal, go and fetch my scamp of a son, while I look in upon Mr. Geronte, to tell him of my disgrace.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Madam, if I can be of use in anything, you have but to command.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                I thank you.

            (SCAPIN and SYLVESTER exit.)  

				ARGANTE (continued)
Ah!  If only Octave weren't an only child.  Why have I not this hour the daughter of whom Heaven deprived me, to make her my heiress?

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      That's it!

            (SYLVESTER and SCAPIN poke their heads comically around the flat.)

MOLLY/EARL/LYNNETTE                                                                                      
Now what?!

	(SYLVESTER and SCAPIN come back onto the stage.)

ACTRESS                                                                                                (leaping up, and coming to the stage) 
I can play the long lost daughter.  Watch this.  "Oh Mother, Mother, Mother, Mom.  I thought I would never see thee again."

                                                LYNNETTE                                                                                      Me too.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   You can't play that part.

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      Don't worry.  I'll do it better.  Just give me some background.  I can take direction.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                    We already have someone for that part.

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      Oh.  She comes in later huh?

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Yeah.

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      Oh.  I hope I didn't spoil any surprises.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   No, you didn't.  The audience already figured it out.

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      They did?

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   That's why the line is in the play.  It's called foreshadowing.

	(ARGANTE exits.)

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      Ohhhhhh.  I get it.  That is sooo neat.  Well, will you keep looking for a part for me?  I mean, really?

MOLLY                                                                                             (huge smile)  
YES!!

ACTRESS                                                                                                (smiling)  
Okay.

(SHE goes joyously back to her seat.  SCAPIN and SYLVESTER continue the play.  The LIGHTING hasn't changed during this last little interruption.)

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   I confess that you are a shrewd man.  Let me add one more little problem to the list.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Let me guess . . . 

SYLVESTER/SCAPIN                                                                                      
. . . money.  Right.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   We've run up all sorts of bills caring for Hyacinthe and her nurse.  And we obviously can't ask the mother for the money.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Not so fast.  She's an ideal source.  Let me manage it.  The gears are turning.  I'm racking my brains to find someone who can do an impersonation for us.
            (After perhaps sizing up various audience members.)  
Wait.
            (looking at SYLVESTER)  
Hold yourself up a little.  Slouch your cap like a naughty boy.  Put one leg forward.  Put your hand on your hip.  Just look ferocious.  Swagger up and down like a king on the stage.  That's it!  Follow me.

SYLVESTER                                                                                             (HE does, then stops.)  
Scapin, I don't want to do anything illegal.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Worry not.  We shall share the danger like brothers.

(They exit, SYLVESTER mimicking SCAPIN.  Fast, cartoony, running MUSIC plays.  The RAGPICKER runs through.  OCTAVE and LEANDER run through.  HYACINTHE runs through.  Then a well-known local MINISTER and his WIFE pass through, pointing at the buildings.  They have cameras and maps and are dressed like tourists.  They take a picture or two and then exit.  ARGANTE enters from balcony left with GERONTE close on her heels.)

                                                GERONTE                                                                         With good weather my daughter's ship should be in soon.  But the arrival of my daughter will find things in an unfavorable state for what we proposed; and what you have just told me about your son makes me want to annul everything.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Do not trouble yourself about it.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         And I mean everything!

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                I assure you that I shall overthrow this obstacle, and I shall see about it immediately.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Madame Argante, the bringing up of children is a thing which must be managed with a firm hand.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                What do you mean, by saying that?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What I mean is this, that the bad conduct of young people is most frequently caused by the bad education which their parents have given them.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                What are you really trying to say?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         That had you, as a strict mother, kept your son well in hand, he would not have played you the trick which he has.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                I see.  And you have kept yours better in hand?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         There is no doubt of it.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                And if this son, which, as a strict father, you have kept so well in hand, had done worse still than mine?  Eh!

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What do you mean?

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                I mean, Mr. Geronte, that one must not be too quick to censure the conduct of others; and that those who are fond of finding fault elsewhere ought to look first at home!

                                                GERONTE                                                                         
I do not understand this riddle.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                It shall be explained to you.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Have you perchance heard something about my son?

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Maybe.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         And what, then?

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                While I was still angry, your son's servant Scapin told me the affair only in a summary way, and you can get the details from him, or from someone else.  As for me, I am going 
				ARGANTE (continued)
quickly to consult a lawyer, to take advice about the means which I have to use; till by and by.
	(SHE exits.)

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What can this affair be?  Worse still than her son's?  As for me, I cannot see that one could do worse than to marry without the consent of one's parent.

(LEANDER enters, sees his FATHER and attempts to escape without being seen.)

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Ah!  Here you are!

LEANDER                                                                                                (Running to GERONTE to embrace him.)
Ah!  Father, how glad I am to see you back again!

GERONTE                                                                                   (Refusing to embrace LEANDER.  Perhaps holding a walking stick against his chest.) 
Gently.  Stand straight, that I may look you in the face.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      What is the matter?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Look me full in the face.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Well?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What has happened here?

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Happened here?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Yes.  What have you done in my absence?

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      I?  I have not done anything of which you have cause to complain.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Not anything?

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      No.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Scapin has, however, told me some news about you.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Scapin?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Ah ha!  That name made you blush.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      He has told you something about me?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         This is not at all the proper place to get to the bottom of this business, but we shall sift it elsewhere.  Go home; I shall be back there presently.

            (LEANDER exits, barely missing getting hit by GERONTE'S stick.)  

				GERONTE (continued)
Ah!  Wretch, if you have disgraced me, I renounce you as my son, and you can make your mind up to leave my presence forever!

	(GERONTE exits and LEANDER re-enters.)

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      To betray me in this manner.  A scoundrel, who, for a hundred reasons, ought to be the first to keep a secret, is the first to disclose them to my father.  Ah!  I swear that his treachery shall not remain unpunished.

            (OCTAVE and SCAPIN enter.  LEANDER hides.)

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Scapin, how much I owe you and how good has Heaven been to send you to my aid!

            (The following is heard over the theatre's SPEAKER system.)

                                                MARTY                                                                                   Lissa.  Hey Lissa.  Lissa.

                                                LISSA                                                                                   What, Marty.

                                                MARTY                                                                                   What do you think of Matt?

                                                LISSA                                                                                   What do you mean?

                                                MARTY                                                                                   I think he's adorable.  He is so cute.

                                                LISSA                                                                                   Who is?

                                                MARTY                                                                                   Matt.  The freshman playing Octave.

                                                LISSA                                                                                   You better not let Dana hear you say that.

                                                MARTY                                                                                   Well Dana has to know by now that half the girls on campus have the hots for him.  She's gonna have a tough time keeping him in the barn.

            (DANA suddenly appears from off stage, then re-exits.)

                                                LISSA                                                                                   Marty!  Are you sure you're not pushing the broadcast button?

                                                MARTY                                                                                   No.  I'm pushing the intercom--oops!
	(yelling, no longer on the SPEAKER)
Sorry, Molly.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Ah ha!  There you are!  I am delighted to have found you, Mr. Trickster.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      You do me too much honor.

LEANDER                                                                                                (drawing his sword)  
Oh, so you're going to play the ignorant fool.  Ah! I shall teach you . . . 

SCAPIN                                                                                                (falling on his knees)  
Sir!

OCTAVE                                                                                             (coming between them to prevent LEANDER striking SCAPIN)  
Ah!  Leander!

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      No, Octave, do not hold me back, pray.

SCAPIN                                                                                                (to LEANDER)  
Ah!  Sir!

OCTAVE                                                                                             (holding LEANDER back)  
For mercy's sake!  For friendship's sake, Leander, do not do him wrong.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      What have I done to you, Sir?

LEANDER                                                                                                (wishing to strike SCAPIN)  
What have you done to me, you wretch!

OCTAVE                                                                                             (leaping onto LEANDER'S back)  
Ah!  Gently.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      No, Octave, I wish to make him confess the treachery which he has practiced on me.  Yes, you scoundrel, I know the trick which you have played me.  I have just been told of it, and you did not think perhaps that this secret would be revealed to me; but I should have a confession from your mouth, or I shall pass this sword through you body.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Ah, Sir, would you have the heart to do this?

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Speak.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Have I done anything to you, Sir?

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Yes, you scoundrel, and your conscience tells you but too plainly what it is.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I assure you that I am ignorant of it.

LEANDER                                                                                                (advancing to strike SCAPIN)  
You are ignorant of it?

OCTAVE                                                                                             (holding LEANDER back)  
Leander!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Well!  Sir, I will confess that I and my friends have drunk that small quarter cask of Spanish wine which you got as a present a few days ago.  

(With each of the following confessions, SCAPIN is hoping LEANDER will laugh with him at his cleverness.)

				SCAPIN (continued)
I made a slit in the barrel, and spilt some water around to make you believe that the wine had run out.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      It is you, you vulture, who drank my Spanish wine, and who have been the cause of my screaming at the serving maid, thinking it was she who had played me that trick?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes, Sir.  I beg your pardon for it.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      I am very glad to hear this.  But that is not the affair in question at present.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      It is not that, Sir?

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      No, it is something else which concerns me much more.

(It is possible to include a comic chase scene at this point, during which OCTAVE gets pushed into the "water", i.e. off the front of the stage.  HE says "splash".  This then becomes a running gag, with people saying "splash" each time they're pushed into the "water".  Also, at one point during this chase scene, LEANDER thinks HE finally has SCAPIN.  It turns out to be the BAG LADY, frightening them both.  Finally, he catches SCAPIN, and the dialogue continues.)

				LEANDER (continued)
Ah, ha.  I will have you tell me.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I do not remember having done anything else, Sir.

LEANDER                                                                                                (wishing to strike SCAPIN)  
You will not tell me?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Tell what?

OCTAVE                                                                                             (holding LEANDER)  
Gently!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Well, Sir, it is true that three weeks ago you sent me one evening to take a little watch to the young gypsy whom you love.  I came back to the house, my clothes covered with mud, and my face bleeding, and I told you that I had been attacked by thieves who had beaten me well, and stolen the watch.  It was I who kept it, Sir.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      You have kept my watch?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes, Sir, to see what time it is.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Ah! Ah!  This is a good thing to find out, and I have a very trusty servant, certainly!  But it is not even about that that I am inquiring.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      It is not that?

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      No, you infamous wretch; there is something else that I wish you to confess to me.

SCAPIN                                                                                                (aside)  
Hang it!

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Out with it, quick, I am in a hurry.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      This is all that I have done, Sir.

LEANDER                                                                                                (wishing to strike SCAPIN)  
Is that all?

OCTAVE                                                                                             (getting in front of LEANDER)  
Ah!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Well!  Yes, Sir.  You remember that ghost, six weeks ago, who dealt you such a lot of cudgel-blows in the night, and nearly made you break your neck when you fell down the steps trying to get away?

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Well?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      It was I, Sir, who played the ghost.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      It was you who played the ghost, you wretch?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes, Sir, I did it only to frighten you, and to prevent you from letting us gadabout every night as you did.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      I shall remember, at a fit time and place, all that I have just learned.  But I wish to come to the fact, and have you to confess what you have been saying to my father.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      To your father?

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Yes, you rascal, to my father.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I have not even seen him since his return.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      You have not seen him?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      No, Sir.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Are you sure?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Quite sure.  I can make him tell you so himself.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      It is from himself that I have got it.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      By your leave, he has not spoken the truth.

(SARAH, the props mistress enters from the back.  SHE is dressed all in black and carries a clip board.  SHE does wear a 17th century hat.)

                                                SARAH                                                                                      I am the bearer of some news, sir.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Who are you?

SARAH                                                                                                (shy)  
I'm the props mistress.

LEANDER                                                                                                (whispered)  
I know that.

SARAH                                                                                                (whispered)  
Oh.  I'm the messenger.

LEANDER                                                                                                (out loud)  
What news bringeth thou?
            (whispered) 
and where's Jill?

SARAH                                                                                                (out loud)  
News ill fated to your love.
            (whispered)  
She's having an asthma attack.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      She's what?

SARAH                                                                                                (whispered) 
She's having an asthma attack.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Zerbinette?!

SARAH                                                                                                (whispered) 
No.  Jill.
            (out loud)  
BUT
            (looking at her clipboard) 
the gypsies are on the point of leaving town with Zerbinette.  And she herself, with tears in her eyes, has charged me to come and tell you quickly, that if within two hours, you do not bring them the money to cover her bills, you will lose her forever.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      In two hours?

SARAH                                                                                                (pointing to the clipboard)  
That's what it says.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Thank you, fair messenger.

                                                SARAH                                                                                      Any time.
            (SHE exits.)

ACTRESS                                                                                                (from her seat)  
I could play Jill's part!

SCOTT/MOLLY/MATT                                                                                        
You're too late!

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Ah! my good Scapin, I beg you to help me.

SCAPIN                                                                                                (passing haughtily before LEANDER)  
Ah, my good Scapin!  I am my good Scapin now that you need me.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      I forgive you for all you have said to me, and for worse still, if you have done it to me.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Not at all, not at all, do not forgive me anything; run your sword through my body; I shall be delighted to be killed by you.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      No.  I rather beg of you to give me my life, by rescuing my love.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      No, no; you had better kill me.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      You are too precious to me.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      No, kill me, I tell you.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Ah!  For pity's sake, think no more about it, and set your wits to work.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Scapin, you must do something for him.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      How can I, after such an outrage?

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      I beg of you to forget my passion.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   I add my plea to his.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I have been insulted to the heart.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Would you leave my love in this cruel plight?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      To accuse me out of nowhere like that.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      I am in the wrong, I admit.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      To call me a scoundrel, a rascal, a gallows-bird, an infamous wretch!

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      I regret it with all my heart.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      To wish to run his sword through my body!

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      I beg your pardon for it from the bottom of my heart; and if nothing will satisfy you but to see me on my knees, beseeching you once more not to abandon me, I will do so.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Ah! upon my word, Scapin, you ought to give way now.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Rise.  The next time do not be so hasty.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Will you promise to set to work for me?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      We will think about it.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      There is not much time, you know.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Do not trouble yourself about it.  How much money do you want?

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      
Five hundred crowns.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      
	(begrudgingly assuming that this kid wants some too)
And you?

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Two hundred pistoles.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I shall bleed this money out of your parents.
            (to OCTAVE)  
As for yours, the trap is already laid.
            (to LEANDER)  
And, as regards yours, though miserly to the last degree, it will cost far less trouble still; for, as to intelligence, thank God, he’s not got a very great supply.  But no offense for there is not the slightest similarity between him and you; and you know full well the opinion of every one that he is your father only because he was married to your mother at the time . . .

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Watch it, Scapin!  

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Good. Good.  One should have scruples about that sort of thing.  But I see Octave's mother coming.  Let us begin with her, since she comes to us.
            (to OCTAVE)  
You two get out of here.  And tell Sylvester to come quickly to play his part.

	(ARGANTE enters.  LEANDER and OCTAVE exit.)

SCAPIN                                                                                                (aside)  
There she is chewing her cud.

ARGANTE                                                                                          (believing herself alone)  
Ah! Ah!  The stupidity of youth.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Your servant, Ma'am.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Good day, Scapin.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      You are thinking about this affair of your son?

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                I tell you candidly that it has made me furiously angry.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Life is bestrewed with crosses, Ma'am; it is well to be always prepared for them.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                That is true; but his impertinent marriage, which interferes with the one which I wish to contract, is a thing which I cannot bear, and I have just consulted lawyers to undo it.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      In truth, Madam, if you take my advice, you will try, by some other means, to settle this affair.  You know what lawsuits are like in this country, and you will get yourself into some strange difficulties.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                You are right.  But what other way is there?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I do not like to see the honest parents vexed by their children, so I have a means of quieting your uneasiness.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                I am very much obliged to you.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I have been to see the brother of this girl your son has married.  He is one of those fire-eater types, those people who are all cut and thrust, who talk of nothing else than slashing, and who make no more ado about killing a person than about swallowing a glass of ale.  I have got him to speak about this marriage, have shown him your prerogatives as a parent and the support you would receive from the law by means of your rights, your money, and your friends.  In short, I have so turned him about on all sides, that he has listened to the proposals which I have made to him to settle the matter for a certain sum; and he will give his consent to annul the marriage, provided you give him the money.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                And what did he want?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Oh! everything preposterous, at first.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                And what?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      He talked of extravagant things.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                But what, pray?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      He talked of no less than five or six hundred pistoles.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Five or six hundred, is he joking?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      That is what I told him.  I utterly rejected all such proposals, and I plainly gave him to understand that you were not a dupe, to ask you for five or six hundred pistoles.  At last, after a great deal of talk, this is the result of our conference.  The time draws near, he said to me, that I must set out for the army; I am busy about my outfit, and the need which I have of some money makes me consent, in spite of myself, to what is proposed to me.  I want a troop-horse, and I cannot have one, ever so middling, for less that sixty pistoles.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Very well!  Sixty pistoles, I will give them.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Then the accouterments and the weapons; that will amount at least to twenty pistoles more.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Twenty pistoles and sixty make eighty.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Exactly.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                It is a great amount: but be it so.  I consent to this.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      He must also have a horse for his servant, which will cost at least thirty pistoles.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                What the deuce!  Let him go on foot; he shall have nothing at all.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Madam.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                No: he is an impertinent fellow.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Would you have his servant go on foot?

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Let him go as he likes, and the master also.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Madam, do not stop short at such a trifle.  Better to give it all and keep clear of the clutches of the courts.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Very well then; I am ready to give also the thirty pistoles.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      He wants, besides, so he says, a mule to carry. . . 

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Let him go to the devil with his mule!  It is too much; we shall go to court.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      For mercy's sake, Ma'am.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                No, I shall do nothing at all.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      A tiny mule, Ma'am.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                No, I prefer going to law.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Oh, Madam what a resolution to take?  Just think how many ravenous animals, through whose claws you will have to pass: lawyers, attorneys, counsels, registrars, jurors, reporters, judges, and their clerks.  And the bad publicity!  Oh, madam if it be in your power, keep out of this hell.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                How much does he reckon this mule?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      For the mule, Sir, for the horse, and that of his man, for the accoutrements and pistols, and to pay a little bill which he owes his landlady, he asks in all two hundred pistoles.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Two hundred pistoles?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes.

ARGANTE                                                                                          (walking about in a passion)  
We shall go to court.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      But to go to court, you need money.  You must have money for the summons; money for the registration; money for the letter of attorney; money for appearance, counsel, evidence, and solicitors' fees.  Some will go for the consultations and the pleadings of the barristers; for the right of redemption, and for making copies of the documents.  You will need money for the reports of substitutes, for the registration of the verdict, the form of decree, sentence, arrests, revision, the signing and countersigning of their clerks, without reckoning the bribes which you will have to make. Give this money to that man, and the affair is at end.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                What!  Two hundred pistoles!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes.  You will be a gainer by it.  I have made a little calculation, mentally, of all the law charges; and I have found that by giving two hundred pistoles to you man, you will save at least a hundred and fifty.  Were it for nothing else than to avoid . . .

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                I shall not give two hundred pistoles.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Here comes the very man we are speaking of.

(SYLVESTER enters, disguised as a swash-buckler.)

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   I say, Scapin, introduce me to this Argante, the mother of Octave.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Why, Sir?

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   I have decided to murder her and stop bothering about it.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I do not believe you, Sir.  But know this.  She certainly does not consent to give the two hundred pistoles which you desire.  And she is taking you to court.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   'Sdeath, blood and wounds, I will kill her sure, though I be hanged afterwards.

            (ARGANTE, for fear of being seen, stands trembling behind SCAPIN.)

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Let me tell you, Sir, that young Octave has some courage, and will protect his mother.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   What! He?  He?  Blood and thunder!  If he were here, I would give him at once a taste of my sword in his belly.
             (perceiving ARGANTE)  
Who is that woman?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      It is not she, Sir; it is not she.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   But perhaps it is one of her friends.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      No, Sir; on the contrary, it is her greatest enemy.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Her greatest enemy?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Ah! forsooth! I am glad of it.
            (to ARGANTE)  
Are you an enemy of this mean biddy?  Eh?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes, yes; I can vouch for that.

SYLVESTER                                                                                             (shaking ARGANTE'S hand violently)  
I give you my word and pledge you my honor, by the sword which I wear, by all the oaths which I could swear, that before the day is out I shall rid you of this hoity-toity; this vile contract breaker.  Mother and son both if necessary.  Trust in me.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Murder is not tolerated in this country, Sir.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   I do not care a rap, and I have nothing to lose.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      They have got relatives, friends and servants who will protect them.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Zounds!  That is all I ask, that is all that I ask for.
            (drawing his sword)  
Death and blood!  Why are they not here with all their guard!  Why do they not appear before me surrounded by thirty persons, arms in hand!
(HE pretends to fight off thirty attackers, ad-libbing as he fights.  At one point he looses his hat, and calls, “Time,” then retrieves his hat and calls, “Time in.”  At another point his sword breaks and he begins to use karate to fight.  He finds a yardstick and uses that as a sword.  At the end, he sees SCAPIN and ARGANTE and says to them:)  
Well, there you are.  Stand firm, you knaves, stand firm.  Come on, stand firm and fight like a man.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Eh! eh! eh! Sir, we do not belong to them.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Oh, well, that will teach you to dare to meddle with me.

(HE exits, hitting a flat with his “sword.”  The flat falls toward audience.  MATT and DANA are discovered kissing back stage.  They pull the flat back into place.)

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Well now!  You see how many persons would be killed for two hundred pistoles.  After this, I wish you good luck.

ARGANTE                                                                                          (trembling all over)  
Scapin!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I beg your pardon?

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                I have made up my mind to give the two hundred pistoles.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I am glad for your sake.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Let us go and find him.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      You have only to hand them to me.  You cannot, for your own honor, show yourself to him, after having passed in this place for some other person than you really are; and besides, I should fear that, revealing yourself to him, he might take it into mind to ask for more.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Yes.  But I should be glad to see how I part with my money.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Do you mistrust me?

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                It is not that, but. . .

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Forsooth, madam.  If you suspect me, I meddle no more with anything, and, from this moment, you may look for someone else to arrange your affairs.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Take them.

SCAPIN                                                                                      
No, madam, do not entrust your money to me.  I shall be very glad if you would employ someone else.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Good Heavens!  Take it.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      No, I tell you, do not trust yourself to me.  Who knows but what I might wish to swindle you out of your money?

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Take it, I tell you:  do not let me have to squabble any longer.  But be sure to take good guarantees from him.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Let me manage it, he has not a fool to deal with.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                I shall wait for you at my house.
	(SHE exits.)

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I shall not fail to be there.
            (alone)  
That is one.  I have only to look for the other.  Ah! upon my word, here he is.  It seems that Providence brings them into my net, one after the another.

(GERONTE enters.  SCAPIN exits and re-enters.)

SCAPIN                                                                                                (pretending not to see GERONTE)  
Oh Heavens!  Oh unlooked-for misfortune!  Oh wretched father!  Poor Geronte, what will he do?

GERONTE                                                                                   (aside)  
What is he saying about me, with that sorrowful face?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Is there no one to tell me where I can find Mr. Geronte?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What is the matter, Scapin?

SCAPIN                                                                                                (running about the stage, and pretending not to see nor hear GERONTE)  
Where can I find him, to tell him of this misfortune?

GERONTE                                                                                   (stopping SCAPIN)  
What is it?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      In vain do I run everywhere to find him.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Here I am.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      He must be hiding in some place which no one can discover.

GERONTE                                                                                   (stopping SCAPIN)  
Hullo!  Are you blind that you cannot see me?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Oh!  Sir, I could not find you anywhere.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What has happened?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Sir . . .

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Your son, Sir . . .

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Well!  My son . . .

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Has met with the strangest accident in the world.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What is it?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      A short time ago  I met him looking so very sad about something that you had told him, and in which you have unreasonably enough mixed up my name; and trying to raise his low spirits I thought we should do something vigorous.  So we went to take a row in the harbor.  There we saw a beautiful sailing ship.  A young Turk invited us on board and offered us lunch.  There we ate the most excellent fruit, drank the finest wine in the world . . .

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What is there so very grievous in all this?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Just a minute, Sir, I am coming to it.  While we were eating, the Turk put the galley out to sea; and he had me put into a boat, and sent me to tell you that, if you do not send me back with five hundred crowns immediately, he will carry your son away to slavery.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What, the deuce!  Five hundred crowns!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes, Sir, and he has only given me two hours to get them.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Ah!  The vulture.  He wants to kill me.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      It remains with you, Sir, to take prompt measures to save a son whom you so tenderly love.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Why the devil did he get on board that boat?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      He did not dream of what would happen.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Go, Scapin, go quickly, and tell this Turk that I shall send the local sheriffs after him.

(SCAPIN whips around and sure enough, there are RUSTY and DEL WALLINGA standing at the back of the house, with coffee and doughnuts in their hands.  MOLLY freezes, looking at them.)

                                                DEL WALLINGA                                                                                     It's all right.  Go ahead with the play.  

RUSTY                                                                                   
But while you're stopped, we brought back coffee and doughnuts for everybody.

            (The policemen start back to their seats.)

				RUSTY (continued)
They're out in the lobby for whenever you're ready to take a break.

				MOLLY
Thanks.

				RUSTY
No problem.

DEL WALLINGA                                                                                               (to MOLLY)  
Can you catch us up on what's happened while we were gone?

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Amy, help.

(HOUSE LIGHTS come up.  AMY comes running down the aisle and at breakneck, but discernable, speed delivers the following synopsis.)

                                                AMY                                                                                      Octave is already engaged but his mother Mrs. Argante has also betrothed him to Mr. Geronte's daughter.  Octave needs 200 pistoles to pay off his debts and Leander loves a gypsy who is being held for ransom of 500 crowns.  Scapin and Sylvester have have already conned the 200 pistoles out of Mrs. Argante and now Scapin is trying to dupe Mr. Geronte into paying 500 ducats to ransom his son from an imaginary shipload of kidnapping Turks!
            (with a smile)  
On with the show!
            (SHE dashes up the aisle.)

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Lissa.

                                                LISSA                                                                                   Have you written the ending yet?!

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   LISSA!

                                                LISSA                                                                                   House out.

            (LIGHTS chance and the action on stage starts up again.)

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      The local sheriffs do not have ships.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Oh, yes.
(One of the keys to the following repeated line is in the increasingly vehement vocal windup before the actual words.)  
Why the devil did he get on board that boat!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      You misjudge people sometimes.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         You must, Scapin, you must now show yourself a faithful servant.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes, Sir.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Tell this Turk to send me back my son, and put yourself in his place, until I can raise the sum which he asks.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Sir, do you imagine that this Turk will have so little sense as to receive a poor wretch like me as a substitute for your son?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Why the devil did he get on board that boat!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Remember, Sir, that he has given me only two hours.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         He wants, you say . . .

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Five hundred crowns.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Does he know what five hundred crowns means?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Indeed he does, Sir; he knows that it is fifteen hundred livres.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Does he think, the villain, that fifteen hundred livres are so easily to be found?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      They are people who do not understand reason.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Why the devil did he get on board that boat!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      True.  But after all, one cannot foresee these things.  Pray, Sir, make haste.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Look here, there is the key of my cupboard.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Good.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         You go and open it.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Very good.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Inside you will find a large key to the attic.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Go up to the attic and take all the clothes which are in the large basket, and go and sell them to the old clothes-men to redeem my son.

SCAPIN                                                                                                (handing him back the key)  
Are you dreaming, Sir?  The whole of which you speak will not fetch a hundred francs; and besides, you know the little time he has given me.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Why the devil did he get on board that boat!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Leave that boat alone, and remember that time flies, and that you run the risk of losing your son.  
	(as if to LEANDER)
Alas!  My poor master!  Perhaps I shall never set eyes on you again while I live, and at this very moment they are carrying you away to Algiers as a slave.  But as heaven is my witness, I have done all that I could to save you, and if you are not bought off, nothing but the want of fatherly affection is to blame.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Stay, Scapin, I will go and fetch that money.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Be quick about it, Sir; I tremble to hear the hour strike.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Did you not say four hundred crowns?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      No: five hundred crowns.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Five hundred crowns!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Why the devil did he get on board that boat!!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      You are right: but make haste.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Was there no place to go to?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      That is true: but be quick.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Ah!  That confounded boat.

SCAPIN                                                                                                (aside)  
That boat lies heavy on his heart.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Stay, Scapin, I did not remember, I have just received the very sum in gold, and I did not think that I would have to part with it so soon.
            (taking his purse from his pocket, and holding it out to SCAPIN)  
There, go and redeem my son.

SCAPIN                                                                                                (holding out his hand)  
Yes, Sir.

GERONTE                                                                                   (still holding the purse, which he begins to give to SCAPIN)  
But tell this Turk that he is a scoundrel.

SCAPIN                                                                                                (still holding out his hand)  
Yes.

GERONTE                                                                                   (still holding the purse, which he begins to give to SCAPIN)  
An infamous wretch.

SCAPIN                                                                                                (still holding out his hand)  
				SCAPIN (continued)
Yes.

                                                GERONTE                                                                           A man without honor, a robber.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Let me manage it.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         That he extorts five hundred crowns from me against all right.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes.

GERONTE                                                                                   (still holding the purse, which he begins to give to SCAPIN)  
That I do not make them a present to him for ever.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Very good.

GERONTE                                                                                   (still holding the purse, which he begins to give to SCAPIN)  
And that, if ever I catch him, I shall be revenged on him.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes.

GERONTE                                                                                   (putting the money back in his pocket and going)  
Go, go quickly, and bring back my son.

SCAPIN                                                                                                (running after GERONTE)  
Wait, Sir.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Where is this money?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Have I not given it to you?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      No, indeed; you put it back in your pocket.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         
	(getting out money and giving it to SCAPIN)
Ah!  It is this trouble that upsets my senses.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I see it does.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Why the devil did he get on board that boat!!!  Confounded boat!  Villain of a Turk; may the devil take you!

	(SCAPIN pretends to exit.  GERONTE exits.  SCAPIN comes back on stage.)

SCAPIN                                                                                                (alone)  
He cannot stomach the five hundred crowns which I have dragged away from him; but he is not finished with me yet; and he shall pay me in a different coin for the trick he has played me with his son.

	(OCTAVE and LEANDER enter.)

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Well!  Scapin, have you succeeded?

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Have you done anything?

SCAPIN                                                                                                (to OCTAVE)  
Here are two hundred pistoles which I have drawn from your mother.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Ah!

SCAPIN                                                                                                (to LEANDER)  
I have not been able to do anything for you.

LEANDER                                                                                                (going)  
I had better go and make an end of myself; for I cannot live if Zerbinette is taken from me.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Hold up.  Wait.  What a dreadful hurry you are in!

LEANDER                                                                                                (turning back)  
What is to become of me?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Come on, I have got what you want.

LEANDER                                                                                                (returning)  
Ah!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      But on condition that you shall allow me a little piece of retaliation upon your father for the trick which he has played me.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Anything you want.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      You promise it before a witness?

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Yes.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Catch hold, here are the five hundred crowns.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Let us go quickly to redeem my beloved.

(As SCAPIN starts off following LEANDER and OCTAVE, DEL WALLINGA stands and says:)

DEL WALLINGA                                                                                                
Just watch where you go there, Miss.  Better stay on stage where we can see you.

            (MOLLY sits down on the stairs, taking off her hat in disgust.)

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Well if I can't even be trusted offstage, would somebody bring me a doughnut?  Lissa.

				LISSA
What?!

				MOLLY
Intermission.

                                                LISSA                                                                                   Blackout!

(There is indeed a BLACKOUT on stage and the HOUSE LIGHTS come up.  As the intermission gets underway, DEL WALLINGA and RUSTY move to the backstage to check things out so they don't have to interact with the audience.  Other ACTORS in 17th century dress enter and interact during intermission.  GAIL, the POLICEMEN and WENDY make themselves scarce.  During intermission, SARAH sets props and LISSA sweeps the stage.)

ACT II.

(Toward the end of intermission, KATHY (NERINE) sings a gentle song.  Other cast and crew sit around listening.  Someone plays guitar and perhaps someone plays the flute.)

IT HAS BEEN ABOUT A YEAR NOW
SINCE WE WENT OUR SEPARATE WAYS.
I AM WONDERING HOW YOU FEEL NOW,
DO YOU MISS ME SINCE I WENT AWAY?
DO YOU MISS ME SINCE I WENT AWAY?

LIFE GOES ON, I'VE MADE NEW FRIENDS NOW.
MADE SOME CHANGES WHERE I COULD.
LIFE IS POSSIBLE WITHOUT YOU.
BUT I KNOW THAT LIFE WITH YOU WAS GOOD.
BUT I KNOW THAT LIFE WITH YOU WAS GOOD.

            (Flute interlude)

I'D RATHER DEAL WITH LOTS OF CRYING.
RATHER DEAL WITH SECOND TRIES.
THAN SETTLE FOR A LOVE THAT ISN'T TRUE.
THAN SETTLE FOR A LOVE THAT ISN'T YOU.

            (Flute interlude)

THAN SETTLE FOR A LOVE THAT ISN'T TRUE.
(NERINE crosses to HYACINTHE and OCTAVE, who are sitting together.)
THAN SETTLE FOR A LOVE THAT ISN'T YOU.

(After the song, DANA jumps up.  SHE has been writing in a notebook during intermission.  MOLLY speaks first.)

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   O.K. everybody.  Before we begin Act Two, I thought I'd review the plot for you.  Here's what's happened so far.

                                                DANA                                                                                Hey Molly.  Can I do the plot synopsis tonight?

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Well . . .

                                                CAST                                                                                      Let her Molly.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Yeah.  Sure!

(DANA tears a page out of her notebook, and the cast members arrange themselves in a line up.  Someone places MOLLY and whispers in her ear what's going on.)

                                                DANA                                                                                O.K. guys.  Hit it!

(The ACTORS make percussive sound effects for the following rap.  At the breaks between stanzas, the voice percussion effects get louder and someone is heard chanting "Go Hya.....go Hya.")

HEY THERE FOLKS, WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.
MY NAME'S HYACINTHE AS YOU WELL KNOW.
IN CASE YOUR MEMORY'S SLIPPED A LOT, 
JUST GIMME A MOMENT, I'LL REVIEW THE PLOT.

(At this point, DANA wads up her notebook page and throws it away.  Then SHE runs around to the end of the line up of characters so SHE can refer to each one as SHE talks about them.)

OUR STORY INCLUDES SEVERAL LOVE AFFAIRS
WHICH SEEM TO BE CAUGHT IN UNFORTUNATE SNARES.
FIRST THERE'S OCTAVE, HE'S THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.
BUT HIS MOTHER'S PICKED ANOTHER TO BECOME HIS WIFE.

NOW ENTER SCAPIN, A CRAFTY YOUNG MAN,
WHO OCTAVE IS TOLD CAN DEVISE A PLAN.
SCAPIN SAYS HE'LL HELP HIM, JUST TO BE NICE,
WHEN A NUTCASE ENTERS WITH THE [insert local county name] 
COUNTY VICE.
SHE ACCUSES POOR MOLLY OF STEALING FROM HER;
BUT AFTER INTERRUPTIONS, THINGS CONTINUE AS THEY 
WERE.

I REALLY DON'T KNOW IF OUR LOVE CAN LAST LONG.
ALTHOUGH OCTAVE ASSURES ME "HEY, I'LL BE STRONG".
BUT SOON OCTAVE LEAVES LIKE A VIGILANTE,
WITH THE ENTRANCE OF HIS MOTHER--MADAME ARGANTE.

SHE'S FURIOUS WITH HEARING THE NEWS OF HER SON,
AND DEMANDS THAT OUR MARRIAGE MUST BE UNDONE.
SCAPIN SAYS TO HER, "LADY, YOU SHOULD BE GLAD,
'CAUSE COMPARED TO LEANDER, OCTAVE ISN'T BAD."
FOR LEANDER HAS FALLEN IN LOVE AS WELL.
HE'S MET A YOUNG GYPSY WHO HE THINKS IS REALLY SWELL.

AS ARGANTE CONTINUES TO RAGE AND RAGE,
THIS RIDICULOUS ACTRESS APPEARS ON THE STAGE.
SHE AUDITIONS WITH A SCENE FROM ROMEO AND JULIET,
BUT MOLLY CAN FIND NO PART FOR HER YET.

THAT RASCAL SCAPIN GETS THE MONEY FOR OCTAVE
BY DRESSING UP SYLVESTER AS A FIERCE YOUNG KNAVE.
IN ORDER TO SAVE HER VERY OWN LIFE,
ARGANTE GIVES HIM THE MONEY TO AVOID SYLVESTER'S KNIFE.

SCAPIN TRIES AGAIN WITH MR. GERONTE
TO TRICK AS HE DID MADAME ARGANTE.
HE TELLS HIM THAT LEANDER'S ON A BOAT AT SEA
WITH SOME TURK WHO WANTS SOME MONEY IF LEANDER GOES FREE.

AFTER ONE MORE INTERRUPTION FROM OUR OFFICER FRIENDS,	
THAT'S HOW THE FIRST PART OF OUR SHOW COMES TO AN END.
THERE ARE STILL A LOT OF PUZZLES IN THIS LOVER'S BREW,
SO HANG ON, BECAUSE THE ANSWERS CAN BE FOUND IN ACT TWO.

                                                ALL                                                                                      HUUUUH!

(Quick freeze and BLACKOUT.  LIGHTS come up on HYACINTHE who is sitting on the tree/crane.  NERINE is pushing her, as on a swing.  SYLVESTER and ZERBINETTE enter.  ZERBINETTE is carrying a colored sheet or quilt in which are all her earthly possessions.  SCAPIN is watching from the side.)

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   If you please.

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      Yes.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   The young masters inquire whether this young woman can stay with you until all is decided.

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      May she Nerine?

                                                NERINE                                                                                    We are all gypsies now.  She is welcome.

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      Yes!
            (to ZERBINETTE)  
I'm Hyacinthe.  

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    Hi Hya!
            (laughs)

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      I think you and I will become great friends, regardless of whether or not things work out with our two young men.

ZERBINETTE                                                                                              (laughs)  
I could use a good friend.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      
What do you call Leander, chopped liver?

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    I do not yet trust him.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      My master has just succeeded, at great personal risk, in paying your entire ransom.  That ought to at least earn him your friendship, if not your undying love.

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    I am always laughing, but I am serious about some things.  And your master will make a mistake if he thinks that having bought me he may possess me.  It will cost him much more than money.  And if he wishes that I shall return his love, he will have to give me his pledge of honor . . . and a ring.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      His intentions are nought but right and honorable.

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    We shall see if he can convince his father.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      His father is a minor obstacle.

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    I'll believe it on the wedding day.

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      Our situations are quite similar, with my parents dead and yours lost forever.

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    I guess we're both out on a limb.

(NOTE:  in the original production, there was a crane made out of a tree branch that they were sitting on.  You could also have them simply sitting on a log.  Or you could have them sitting in a row boat on the dock, and change the line to "It looks like we're in the same boat.")

EARL                                                                                             (delighted, to audience)  
Oh.  I get it.

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    But you have this advantage.  At least you know who your parents were.  When you disclose your family name, Octave's mother may yet consent to a marriage.  But as for me, I have no family history.  And my bag of clothes will hardly be enough to satisfy a father who looks only at wealth. 

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      You have at least one advantage.  Your lover is not tempted to love another.

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    The change in a lover's heart is not a problem.  One may trust one's own merits to retain one's conquests; but what I dread most are the parents in whose eyes sheer merit counts for nothing.

            (The ACTRESS comes running up the aisle.)

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      Oh.  Has the play started again already?

            (Groans from backstage.  LYNNETTE says, "It's that actress.")

                                                ACTRESS (continued)                                                                                      Sorry I was late.  I went home to get my boom box.  I thought that maybe since you didn't like my acting so much, I could do a dance audition for you.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   There are no dancers in this play.

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                      Really?!  That means I'm practically a shoo-in for the part.  Wait till you see me dance.
            (SHE comes up on stage and takes over.)  
I'm gonna need a little bit different lighting.
            (pointing to the booth and looking in her program)  
What's her name?
            (finds it and hollers up to booth)  
Lissa.  Could I have some colored lights?
            (LIGHTS change suddenly, as if by magic.)  
Great!  And just make 'em move with the music, OK?
            (handing boom box to an actor upstage)  
And here, you run this.

MOLLY                                                                                             (furious)  
There are no characters in this play that dance!

(Things grind to a halt.  LIGHTS cross fade slowly back to white.  The ACTRESS puckers up and cries.  These huge sobs are done mostly with the face and shoulders.  MOLLY can't take this.  SHE groans.)  

			MOLLY (continued)
All right.  Let's have the dance.

(The ACTRESS gives a whoop of joy, and SHE points to the music.  MUSIC and LIGHTS go.  The dance starts out with just WENDY, but gradually other ACTORS join in until we have the ENTIRE COMPANY dancing in unison.  Finally, MOLLY breaks out of the dance and goes up the stairs and punches the button to turn the MUSIC off.  The CAST groans.)

                                                MOLLY (continued)                                                                                  I'm sorry, all right?  I made a mistake lettin' this get started.
            (SHE holds out the boom box toward WENDY, who does not yet take it.)  
You're a good dancer.  Now we've gotta do the play.

                                                WENDY                                                                                    Are you gonna put in a dance?

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Don't you understand anything?  Don't you understand that I can't just decide that?!  It's not in the story!  If it doesn't tell the story, we can't do it!  They came here for the story.  It's not in the story.  That's it.  The end.

            (Pause.)

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Will you get off the stage?!  

            (Pause.  With great, honest dignity, WENDY takes the boom box)

WENDY                                                                                              (simply, but with a sense of truth)  
Don't worry.  I'm leaving.  And you don't have to worry.  I'm not coming back.  You live in this little world that you've made up for yourself.  You pull all the strings, you have all the power, you make up all the stories.  No, I don't know everything.  I'm just starting out.  There's givers and takers in the world and the givers start out lonely and the takers end up that way.  Right now, I'm very, very lonely.  But I am just starting out.  Do you know what you are?

MOLLY                                                                                             (SHE looks back at the others.  Then, offhandedly, to regain control of the situation.)  
You know, if you could be that honest in your acting, you'd really have something.

WENDY                                                                                              (grins at the audience)  
That was from Yuppie Death.  It played Off-Off Broadway all last year.

MOLLY                                                                                             (with a huge smile)  
You got yourself a part.  What's your name?

                                                WENDY                                                                                    Wendy.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Welcome Wendy everybody.

            (cheers)  

				MOLLY (continued)
Go on backstage.  We'll find you a costume.

(ALL gather around and welcome WENDY.  LYNNETTE says, "Can I borrow your copy of that script sometime?"  As they are taking WENDY offstage, MOLLY nods at DANA and CARRIE.  The scene on stage picks up the play with a natural, smooth, almost imperceptible transition.)

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      Alas!  How sweet it would be if there were no troubles in life.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      You fool yourself.  A smooth love affair is a disagreeable calm.  Uninterrupted happiness becomes boredom.  There must be ups and downs in life, and the difficulties about things awaken the desires, and increase the pleasures.

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    By the way, Scapin, tell us the story of the trick you used to draw my ransom money from the old miser.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Ask Sylvester, who will manage it as well as I.  I have got a little bit of revenge which is occupying me at the moment.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Why will you, for no reason at all, get yourself into awkward scrapes?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I like to attempt hazardous enterprises.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   I have already told you, if you take my advice, to abandon your project.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I heard you, but I shall take my own advice in this matter.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   What the devil are you going to be up to?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Why the devil are you bothering yourself about it?

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Because I see that you are running the risk of drawing a storm of cudgel-blows upon you.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Well!  It is my back, not yours.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   You are master of your own shoulders, and may bruise them as you please.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Danger has never stopped me; and I hate chicken-hearts, who, because they look too much at the sequel of events, never dare to undertake anything.

                                                LISSA                                                                                   Do you mean like starting a play when you don't know the end of it?!

MOLLY 
Get out of here! 

(All exit, except MOLLY.  SHE thinks, then looks at the audience.)

MOLLY (continued)                                                                                            
Alright, everyone stand up.  Okay, now march.  Good.  Now repeat after me:  "oh, we oh, weee oh"
            (as in the "Wizard of Oz")  
Okay, you can sit down.  Watch for my signal.  Shhhhh.

	(GERONTE enters.)

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Scapin, how goes the affair of my son?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Your son is safe enough, Sir; but you yourself, Sir, are running the greatest danger in the world, and I would give a good deal that you were in your own house.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         How is that?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      At this very moment, you are looked for everywhere to be killed.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         
I?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Yes.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         And by whom?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      By the brother of this person whom Octave has married.  He believes that the design which you have to place your daughter in the position now occupied by his sister, is the reason which induces Mrs. Argante to leave no stone unturned to annul their marriage.  I myself have seen soldiers of his company guarding in platoon every approach to your house, so much so that you cannot walk a step right or left without falling into their hands.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What am I to do, my good Scapin?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I do not know, Sir; it is a strange affair altogether.  I tremble from head to foot for you, and . . . Wait a moment.
(SCAPIN pretends to look at the farther end of the stage to check whether any one is there.)

GERONTE                                                                                   (trembling)  
Eh?

SCAPIN                                                                                                (coming back)  
No, no, no, it is nothing.  Goodbye.
	(HE starts to exit.)

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Cannot you find some means to get me out of trouble?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      
	(turning back)
I have thought about one; but I run the risk of being knocked down myself.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Come!  Scapin, show yourself a faithful servant.  Do not leave me in the lurch, I beg of you.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I am willing enough.  I have this much regard for you, that I should not like to leave you without assistance.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         You shall be well rewarded for it, I assure you; and I promise you this cloak, when I have worn it a little.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Stay.  I have hit upon just the very thing to save you.  You must get into that sack.

GERONTE                                                                                   (afraid that HE sees somebody)  
Ah!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      No, no, no, no, there is no one.  You must, I say, get into this, and take care not to stir in the least.  I'll pretend that you're a sack of laundry.  I shall carry you in that way through the midst of your enemies, into your house, where, once we get in, we can barricade 
			SCAPIN (continued)
ourselves, and send for assistance.  Now, I beg you.  Save yourself and get into the bag.  I shan’t leave your side.  

                                                GERONTE                                                                         The idea is good.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      The best in the world.  You shall see.
            (aside)  
I shall be even with him for that lie.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What do you say?

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I say that your enemies will be taken in nicely.  Get well to the bottom; and above all take care not to show yourself, and not to move, happen what may.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Let me manage:  I know how to keep myself . . .

(What follows is the famous "sack" scene.  Basically, it consists of SCAPIN pretending that he is two people at the same time.  The imaginary enemy enters, beats up SCAPIN and leaves.  This happens two times.  During the "beatings", SCAPIN yells as if he is being hit while he is actually beating GERONTE with a stick.  
This bit is easily accomplished, by the way, by having SCAPIN swing his stick down upstage of the sack while grunting, which cues GERONTE to jump inside the sack.  It is GERONTE'S subtle movement, trying desperately not to give himself away to the enemy he thinks is present, that provides most of the humor of the scene.  The humor is greatly enhanced by teasing GERONTE with subtle pokes and prods prior to the actual beatings.  SCAPIN can also have a tug of war with the enemy, dragging GERONTE around the stage inside the sack.
At any rate, as soon as the enemy leaves, SCAPIN sneaks back and lies down next to the sack and starts moaning in pain as if it were actually HE who was beaten.  The third time, when a whole army of people enter, GERONTE pokes his head out of the bag just as SCAPIN is preparing to beat him.
The lines are basically the lines from Moliere's play.  Each actor playing SCAPIN should feel free to drastically cut these lines if they seem unplayable.  The key to playing the scene is to remember that even though GERONTE can't see SCAPIN, the audience will depend on visual cues so they know when SCAPIN is "the enemy" and when HE is himself.  So, remember these things as you play the scene:
a. Have drastic differences in body and voice between the imaginary enemy and SCAPIN.
b. If possible, base the imaginary enemies on well-known character types that the actor can do well and that the audience will recognize [for example: John Wayne, Nazi guard, Indiana Jones, Oscar the Grouch, etc.].  Adjust a few words of the lines to match that particular character.
c. Instead of having SCAPIN keep jumping back and forth to take up the positions of imaginary enemy and himself, simply have the enemy walk towards SCAPIN and then have SCAPIN turn around and walk away from the enemy.  You can also have SCAPIN change the location of his face, head, and upper torso, but keep his feet in exactly the same spot.
d. Get the whole audience on their feet marching to create the army for the last section of the scene.
e. Remember that the audience needs to be able to believe that they could have been fooled if they had been GERONTE inside the sack.)

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Hide yourself; here comes a swash-buckler who is looking out for you
             (disguising his voice).  
"What! shall I not have the delight of killing this Geronte, and will no one out of charity point me out where he is?"
            (to GERONTE in his natural voice)  
Do not stir.
             (After this, lines in quotes indicate the imaginary enemy.)  
"I shall find him if he were hidden in the bowels of the earth."  Do not show yourself.  "Ah!  You.  Man with the sack."  Sir.  "How much will you take to tell me where I can find the one they call old man Geronte?"  You are looking for Mr. Geronte?  "Yes.  Zounds, I am looking for him."  And what for, Sir?  "What for?"  Yes.  "Because I want to beat the life out of him."  Um, excuse me, sir, but gentlemen like Mr. Geronte do not get beat up, and he won't stand for that.  "Who?  That booby?  That scoundrel?  That blockhead?"  Mr. Geronte, Sir, is neither a booby, nor a scoundrel, nor a blockhead, and I would suggest that you use a different tone of voice.  "How dare you tell me what to do?"  I am merely defending a man of honor, who is being insulted.  "Are you a friend of this Geronte?"  Yes, Sir, I am.  "Ah ha.  So you are one of his friends.  So much the better.
            (The beating of sack with stick begins.)  
"There, take this, and this, and that in his place."
            (SCAPIN shrieks as if in pain with each blow.)  
Ah, ah, Sir, gently, please.  "And give him this from me."
             (one last blow) 
"Adieu."
            (SCAPIN tiptoes over to sack and lays down and starts moaning.)  
Ah, the devil take him.  Ah.

GERONTE                                                                                   (thrusting his head out of the sack)  
Ah, Scapin, I can endure it no longer.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Ah!  Sir, I am bruised all over, and my shoulders pain me dreadfully.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         How is that!  It is on mine that he has been beating.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      No, indeed, Sir, it is my back that he has been pummeling.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What do you mean?  I have felt the blows well enough, and feel them yet.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      No, I tell you; it is only the end of his stick that came down upon your shoulders.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         You ought therefore to have gone a little farther away in order to spare me . . .

SCAPIN                                                                                                (pushing his head back again into the sack)  
Be careful; here comes another, who has the look of a stranger.  "Gone.  I have been riding like a Basque, and I cannot find this devil of a Geronte."  Hide yourself well.  "You.  Mr. Gentleman, if you please.  Do you not know where is Geronte, for whom I am looking?"  No, Sir, I do not know where Geronte is.  "Tell the truth.  I do not want much with him.  I only want to lay ten or twelve cudgel-blows on his back and three or four sword thrusts through his belly."  I assure you Sir, that I do not know where he is.

            (GERONTE is shivering with fear inside the sack.)  

				SCAPIN (continued)
"It seems to me that there is something moving in that sack."  Not at all, Sir.  "I am sure that there is something in there."  There couldn't be, Sir.  "I have a good mind to pass my sword through this sack."  Sir, I demand that you do no such thing.  "Let me have a look at what is in there."  That will do, Sir.  "Whadayamean, 'That will do?'!"  You have no business with what I am carrying.  "I'll have business with it if I want to."  You will not look into my sack.  "There's something fishy in there."  These are just some old clothes that belong to me.  "Open it up, then."  I shall do nothing of the kind.  "You shall do nothing of the kind?"  No.  "Then I shall break this stick on your shoulders."  You don't frighten me.  "Well let's see how you like this."
            (The beating of the sack commences.)  
Aye, aye, aye.  Ah!  Sir, ah! ah! ah!  "Next time we meet, perhaps you will not be so insolent."
            (The imaginary enemy exits.  SCAPIN lies down.)  
Ah! a plague on the cruel beast.  Ah!

GERONTE                                                                                   (thrusting his head out of the sack)  
Ah!  I feel as broken on the wheel.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Ah!  I am dead.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Why the deuce must they pummel my back?

SCAPIN                                                                                                (shoving GERONTE'S head back into the sack)  
Take care;  here is a whole platoon of soldiers together.  

(SCAPIN gets the entire AUDIENCE on their feet and marching.  Then HE imitates the voices of several persons.  SCAPIN plays a different cartoon character voice during each imaginary enemy line.) 
			SCAPIN (continued)
"Come let us try to find Geronte, let us look everywhere.”  “Do not let us stand still over it.”  “Look over there.”  “Leave no stone unturned.”  “Over there!”  
	(to GERONTE)
Hide yourself well.
            (to the audience) 
“HALT!”
            (HE signals for them to sit.)  
"Hey mates.  Look.  That's his servant right there.  Come here, you bamboozler.  Tell us where your master is."
            (SCAPIN moans.)  
Oh gentlemen.  Please do not mistreat me.  "Come, tell us where he is.  Make haste, look sharp, be quick, speak up."  Gentlemen, gentlemen, be gentle.

(SCAPIN does not notice, but GERONTE has just poked his head out of the sack.)  

			SCAPIN (continued)
"If you do not help us to find your master directly, we shall overwhelm you with cudgel-blows."  I would rather endure torture than show you where my master is.  "Well then we shall beat you to death."  Do as you please.  "You don't mind being beaten?"  I will not betray my master.  "Well, if that's the way you feel about it, then...

(Swinging his arm back to begin the beating, HE comes face to face with GERONTE.)  

			SCAPIN (continued)
Oops.
            (SCAPIN runs off.)

(If you use the crane, make a strong rope/hooking system at the top of the sack so that the entire sack can be hooked on and pulled up into the air during the five shouted lines and the audience marching.  SCAPIN may get some AUDIENCE MEMBERS to help do this.  Then SCAPIN can prepare to chop down the bag with and axe.  As HE is swinging his arm back to chop, GERONTE pokes his head out of the bag, and SCAPIN is caught, drops the axe, and runs off stage.)

GERONTE                                                                                   (as SCAPIN exits)  
Ah!  Infamous wretch!  Ah!  Traitor!  Ah!  Scoundrel!  How dare you assault me?

(ADAM sails down a paper airplane from the balcony.)

DEL POTTER                                                                                                (from lower level)  
I can't believe somebody's throwin' paper airplanes.

            (Another one comes down.)

                                                DEL POTTER (continued)                                                                                     You idiots.
            (turning around in his seat)  
Who threw those?
            (pause)  
Who threw those!
            (DEL POTTER stands on his chair to see up into the balcony.)
Who's the idiot that threw the paper airplanes?  I said, whose the idiot that . . . 

ADAM                                                                                              (standing up and leaning over the rail)  
Who you callin' an idiot?

                                                DEL POTTER                                                                                     Did you throw those airplanes?

                                                ADAM                                                                                    What if I did?

                                                DEL POTTER                                                                                     Then I'm callin' you an idiot.

                                                ADAM                                                                                    How about steppin' outside and callin' me an idiot?

                                                DEL POTTER                                                                                      How about shuttin' up and lettin' us all watch the play?!

                                                ADAM                                                                                    What's the matter?  You chicken?

                                                DEL POTTER                                                                                      Why don’t you come down here and call me a chicken.

                                                ADAM                                                                                    I'll be right there.  Chicken.
            
(HE comes down balcony stairs, clucking like a chicken all the way.  DEL POTTER heads toward the stage via the house left aisle.  ADAM will come through house right aisle.  DEL WALLINGA gets up out of his seat.)

				DEL WALLINGA
Is this part of the show?

                                                DEL POTTER                                                                                      
	(to DEL WALLINGA)
Shut up.
	(to ADAM)
Come on idiot.  I'll show you how chicken I am.  Come on up here.

                                                DEL WALLINGA                                                                                      Hey, is this part of the show?

                                                ADAM                                                                                    This chicken's gonna wish it was!

(ADAM attacks, and does a body block which takes DEL POTTER against the stage right wall.  The POLICEMEN are both on their feet hollering "Hey, hey, hey, all right break it up."  The POLICEMEN pull ADAM and DEL POTTER apart.)

                                                DEL WALLINGA                                                                                      That's it.  That's it.  We’re going to the sheriff’s office right not.  Show's over. 

MOLLY                                                                                             (panic)  
Wait!  No.  Wait.  This is part of the play.  This is the uh . . . Big All Star Wrestling scene!

(DEL and ADAM look at MOLLY with surprise.  The other ACTORS come running to take them off stage to get into costume.  All the way, they look like they have no idea what's happening to them.  RUSTY is convinced.)

                                                RUSTY                                                                                   All right!  I love All Star Wrestling.

DEL WALLINGA                                                                                               (to MOLLY)  
Just a minute.  Are you sure this is part of the play?

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Sure.  It's our favorite part.

(DEL WALLINGA is still a bit unsure, but HE sits down.  RUSTY also returns to his seat.  ACTORS bring out wrestling mats.  MOLLY looks to the audience with a grin.  SHE pushes the crane to its upstage position and then turns and makes a signal to the booth to do a BLACKOUT.)

SCOTT                                                                                          (on MICROPHONE)  
We interrupt our regular programming to present this year's championship bout of "Feudal Wrestling."  "Feudal Wrestling" is Naple's answer to the violence in our city's public places.  No longer are feuds fought with swords and daggers, but with grips and grunts.  Now, lets go ringside!

(SCOTT hands the microphone up to STEVE.  A SPOTLIGHT comes on STEVE, in the bag.)

                                                STEVE                                                                                    Ladies and Gentlemen!  Welcome to the Waterfront Arena here in beautiful lower Naples.  Tonight's championship bout is a one fall match between two men caught quarreling in a public theatre.  And now, the introduction of the two competitors.  In the [insert description of costume here] and weighing in at 700 cupeds--The FIGURE FOUR PHANTOM!!!!

(DEL POTTER is thrown out from backstage.  HE seems dazed for a moment, but the applause brings him fully into character.)

                                                STEVE (continued)                                                                                   And in the [insert description of costume here] and weighing in at 680 cupeds, it's the MASTER OF DISASTER!!!!!

(ADAM enters with confidence.  HE'S learned from DEL POTTER’S entrance.  The bout occurs.  Non-wrestling ACTORS move up into the audience aisles to help spur the audience response.  ADAM wins and MOLLY holds up fingers in a big "one, two, three" gesture.  The ACTORS and AUDIENCE begin to applaud wildly.  Suddenly we hear MUSIC from "Chariots of Fire."  WRESTLERS and ACTORS shift into slow motion for a bit, and then, before the gag wears out, the MUSIC quits.)

MOLLY                                                                                             (to the WRESTLERS)  
Thanks a lot guys.  You can take your seats.

DEL WALLINA                                                                                               (standing up)  
Were these two guys really supposed to be in the play?

            (The WRESTLERS stop and look to MOLLY for the next lie.)

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   Didn't you like it?

                                                 DEL WALLINGA                                                                                    I liked it fine.  Answer my question.  Are these two guys really supposed to be in the play?

MOLLY                                                                                             (thinking hard)  
Yeah.  They come on again in the end.  Right guys?

ADAM                                                                                              (looking to DEL POTTER)  
Sure.

                                                DEL POTTER                                                                                    Sounds like fun.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   They come on again in the end.

DEL WALLINGA                                                                                               (satisfied)  
OK, fine.  Sorry to interrupt.

(MOLLY gets the WRESTLERS headed back stage.  With help, SHE returns the crane to position.  Then SHE signals to the booth to cut the lights.  BLACKOUT.)

SCOTT                                                                                          (on MICROPHONE)  

				SCOTT (continued)
Thank you for watching this public service announcement.  We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

(LIGHTS up.  By now the scene is cleared so that only GERONTE is left on stage.  ZERBINETTE enters laughing.)

ZERBINETTE                                                                                              (laughing, without perceiving GERONTE)  
Ha, ha!

GERONTE 
What are you laughing at?

ZERBINETTE                                                                                              (without seeing GERONTE)  
Ha, ha, ha, ha!  What a dupe they have made of the old man!

                                                GERONTE                                                                                    There is nothing amusing in it; and you have no business to laugh at it.

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    What is the matter!  What do you mean, Sir?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         
I mean that you have no business to make a jest of me.

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    Of you?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Yes.

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    How?  Who intends to make a jest of you?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         You!  You are laughing in my very face!

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    This does not concern you at all, I was only laughing at a story that I have just been told, the funniest I ever heard.  I have never heard anything more laughable than the trick that has just been played by a son on his father to get hold of some money.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         By a son on his father to get hold of some money?

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    Yes.  If you are curious, you shall find me ready enough to tell you the tale.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Pray tell me.

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    Here it is.  Fate would have it that I should fall among a gang of people whom they call gypsies, and who, wandering from one country to another, make it their business to tell people's fortunes, and to do many things besides.  On reaching this town, a young man named Leander happened to see me.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What is his last name?

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    I don't remember.  From that moment, he dogged my footsteps; and at first he was like all other young men, who think that they have only to speak, and that at the least word which they say to us, their business is done; but he found a resistance which made him somewhat alter his opinions.  He confided his passion to the people in whose hands I was; and he found them willing to leave me to him, in consideration of a certain sum of money.  But the worst of the thing was, that my lover was a little short of money.  His father, though rich, is a total skinflint.  What is his name?  Perhaps you can help me.  Can you name some one in this town who is noted for being miserly to the last degree?

                                                GERONTE                                                                                    No.

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    There is a ron in his name . . . ronte . . . Or . . . Oronte.  No. Ger . . . Geron . . . 

				GERONTE
Geronte.

				ZERBINETTE
Yes, Geronte, that is it.  Anyway, our people wished to get away from this town to-day; and my lover was going to lose me for lack of money, had he not luckily been assisted by the cleverness of his servant to get some money out of his father.  As for the name of the servant, I know it perfectly well.  It is Scapin; he is a wonderful fellow, and he deserves all the praise in the world.

GERONTE                                                                                   (aside)  
Ah! scoundrel!

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    This is the trick used to get the money out of this dupe.  Ha, ha, ha, ha!  I cannot help laughing when I think of it.  Ha, ha, ha, ha!  He goes to this stingy curd . . . ha, ha, ha; and tells him that his son was kidnapped by a shipload of Turks.  They want five hundred crowns in ransom.  The miser devises a hundred ridiculous ways of getting his son back again.  Ha, ha, ha.  He wants to send the local sheriff after the Turk's galley on the open sea.  Ha, ha, ha.  He tells his servant to go and offer himself to take the son's place, until he has scraped together the money.  Ha, then, he tries to sell four or five old suits which are not worth thirty livres.  Ha, ha, ha.  And every reflection is dolefully accompanied by, “Why the devil did he get on board that boat?”  My story does not amuse you?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         That young man is a hangdog, who shall be punished by his father.  That gypsy is a jade, to insult a man of honor who will teach her to come here and corrupt young men of quality; and that servant is a rascal who will be sent to the gallows by Geronte before tomorrow.

            (SYLVESTER enters as GERONTE exits in a huff.)

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Are you aware that you have been talking to the father of your lover?

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    I have been telling him his own story.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   “Why the devil did he . . .”

             (SHE nods)

ARGANTE                                                                                          (from behind the scenes)  
You there!  Sylvester!

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   
	(to ZERBINETTE)
Go indoors.

	(ZERBINETTE exits as ARGANTE enters.)

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                So you have put your heads together, you rascals; you have arranged between you, Scapin, you and my son, to cheat me; and you think that I shall bear it?

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Look here, if Scapin cheated you, I wash my hands of it, and assure you that I have not part nor parcel in it.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                We shall see about this business, you rogue; we shall see about this, and I do not wish to be treated like a goose.

	(GERONTE enters.)

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Madam Argante, you behold me overwhelmed with disgrace.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                You behold me also in a terrible affliction.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         That hangdog Scapin, has swindled me out of five hundred crowns.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                That same hangdog has swindled me out of two hundred pistoles.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         
I mean to be signally revenged upon him.  But this is not all, Madam Argante; and one misfortune is generally the fore-runner of another.  I was rejoicing to-day in the prospect of joining my deceased brother's daughter--my ward who we have matched to your son.  I have just heard that she set out early from Tarente.  Her ship was wrecked at sea, and it is believed that all on board were lost.

            (ZERBINETTE enters, bringing NERINE who points.)

                                                NERINE                                                                                    Mr. Geronte?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         What?

                                                NERINE                                                                                    Are you Mr. Geronte?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Yes, and who might you be?

                                                NERINE                                                                                    I am Nerine, rejoicing at last to have found you.  I am here to hand over the guardianship of your deceased brother's daughter, thy ward, and now thine own child.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Where is my daughter?

                                                NERINE                                                                                    Your daughter, Sir, is close by; but before I take you to her, I must beg your pardon for having betrothed her, in the destitute condition in which I was with her, through not finding you.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         My daughter betrothed?

                                                NERINE                                                                                    Yes, Sir.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         And to whom?

                                                NERINE                                                                                    To a young gentleman named Octave, son of a certain good woman, Madam Argante.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Oh, Heavens!

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Heavens be blessed!

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Take us, take us quickly to her.

                                                NERINE                                                                                    You have only to enter these apartments.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Lead the way.  Follow me, follow me, Madam Argante.

(All exit except SYLVESTER who stares at the audience.  Flabbergasted.  Finally HE says some contemporary slang phrase which means, “Wow!”  SCAPIN enters.) 

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Sylvester, what are the folks doing?

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   I have two pieces of news to tell you.  The one is, that the affair of Octave is arranged.  Our Hyacinthe is found to be the daughter of Mr. Geronte; and chance has accomplished 
				SYLVESTER (continued)
what the prudence of the parents had planned preposterously.  The other piece of news is that they are threatening heaven and earth against you--especially Mr. Geronte.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      That is nothing.  Threats have never done me any harm.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Take care.  The sons may make it up with the fathers, and you'll be left in the lurch.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      Let me manage.

                                                SYLVESTER                                                                                   Get away, they are coming out.

(SCAPIN exits.  GERONTE, ARGANTE, OCTAVE, HYACINTHE, ZERBINETTE, and NERINE enter.)

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Come, my son; come and rejoice with us in the happy accident of your marriage.  Heaven . . .

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   No, mother, all your proposals of marriage will be useless.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Yes, but you do not know.  I wish to tell you that the daughter of Mr. Geronte . . .

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   The daughter of Mr. Geronte will never be anything to me.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         
It is she . . .

OCTAVE                                                                                             (to GERONTE)  
No, Sir; I ask your pardon; my resolutions are taken.

SYLVESTER                                                                                             (to OCTAVE) 
Listen . . .

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   No.  Hold your tongues.  I shall listen to nothing.

ARGANTE                                                                                          (to OCTAVE)  
Your wife . . .

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   No, I tell you, mother; I shall sooner die than leave my gentle Hyacinthe.
            (crossing the stage to place himself at the side of HYACINTHE)  
Yes, you may do what you like; here she is, to whom my troth is plighted.  I shall love her all my life, and . . . 

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Very well! it is she whom we give to you.  

				OCTAVE
Huh?

				ARGANTE
What a devil of a madcap who always goes ahead!

HYACINTHE                                                                                                (pointing to GERONTE)  
Yes, Octave, here is my guardian, whom I have found: and all our troubles are ended.

	(OCTAVE and HYACINTHE embrace.)

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Let us go home; we shall be more comfortable there than here to discuss matters.

HYACINTHE                                                                                                (pointing to ZERBINETTE)  
Ah!  Father; I ask you as a favor that I may not be parted from this amiable girl whom you see.  Her merits will make you like her, when you come to know her.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Would you have me harbor a person with whom your brother is illicitly in love, and who just now has insulted me to my very face?

                                                ZERBINETTE                                                                                    I beg of you to excuse me, Sir.  It was only a bit of gossip.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Ha!  Only gossip!

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      Uncle, I shall answer for her virtue.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         That is very good.  Would you have me marry my son to her?  A strange girl, whose profession is to gad about the country.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      
	(entering)
Father, do not complain any longer that I love a stranger, without birth or riches.  Those from whom I have redeemed her just disclosed to me that she belongs to this town, and comes of an honorable family, from whom they kidnapped her at the age of four: and here is a bracelet which they have given me, and which may help us to find her parents.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Alas! to see this bracelet, it must be my daughter, whom I lost at the age you mention.

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Your daughter?

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Yes, it is she; and I see in every one of her features the certainty of it.  My dear daughter!

                                                HYACINTHE                                                                                      Good Heavens!

(ZERBINETTE and ARGANTE embrace, then ZERBINETTE and LEANDER embrace.  There is a somewhat awkward laughter that ripples through the company.  There is a bit of whispering back and forth and "Not me" and "You do it" kinds of stuff.  Then LYNNETTE shoves EARL forward.)

                                                EARL                                                                                    That's all that we rehearsed.
            (hollering up to the booth)  
What do you want us to do now, Lissa?

                                                LISSA                                                                                   Where's Molly?

(EARL glances back for a split second.  Everyone is looking backstage and shrugging shoulders.)

                                                EARL                                                                                    Nobody knows.

(SARAH enters.  Perhaps SHE is thrown onto stage.  SHE wears her black props mistress outfit.  But SHE has the rough beginnings of a headdress.  Maybe it is a construction helmet, with some 17th century attachment.)

                                                SARAH                                                                                      Excuse me.  Where may I find Madam Argante and Mr. Geronte?

(The next part must have the sense of being improvised, so there are several places where actors fluctuate between playing themselves and playing their 17th century parts.)

                                                STEVE                                                                                    I am Geronte.

                                                SARAH                                                                                      I have news of a terrible accident.

                                                LYNNETTE                                                                                      Who?

                                                STEVE                                                                                    What?

                                                SARAH                                                                                      Your servant, Scapin . . . 

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Scapin is a worthless bamboozler, and I shall have him hanged for robbery and assault.

                                                SARAH                                                                                      No!

                                                STEVE                                                                                    What do you mean "No!"?  That's what I would do.

                                                LYNNETTE                                                                                      Shut up.
            (continuing as ARGANTE)  
Tell us your news.

                                                SARAH                                                                                      Your servant, Scapin was passing through a construction site, and two of the workers dropped a beam on his head.  There was a lot of blood.
            (to GERONTE) 
And I wouldn't be surprised if he dies before you have a chance to hang him, sir.

(There is a general uproar as everyone wants to join in the improvisation and show off their skills.  LYNNETTE wins out and takes the next line).

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                Have they called a doctor?

SARAH                                                                                                (remembering the rest of her line)  
Oh.  The two workers are brothers, and they have brought their mother to tend Scapin's wounds.

                                                OCTAVE                                                                                   Why didn't they call a doctor?!

SARAH                                                                                                (dreaming up a line as SHE speaks)  
Well, because, it . . . was a physician who's . . . jar of leaches failed to revive the woman's now deceased husband.  Ever since that time, she hasn't trusted doctors.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      Let me take care of this.

ACTRESS                                                                                              (SHE is backstage still, and SHE lets out a huge, long, two-toned yell that is a cross between a siren and the words "CleeearrrrOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUT!")

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      What was that?

                                                SARAH                                                                                      That was the mother.

                                                LEANDER                                                                                      I don't think her husband died from leeches.

ACTRESS (continued)                                                                                             (SHE is still backstage, but closer now.  This time, her words are more discernable, but are a cross between a growl and a Mack Truck horn.)  
GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!

(Everyone takes her advice, leaving a neat open pathway to downstage center.  The entourage enters. The ACTRESS leads the way.  SHE is now in a 17th century costume that is somewhat make-shift affair.  It makes her look like a militarist fish-wife.  Behind her come her two SONS, the wrestlers.  They are in construction hats with some hint of a nod in their costumes toward the 17th century.  They are probably still shirtless.  The two BROTHERS carry a board between them.  On the board lies the wounded SCAPIN, his head a pile of bandage and blood.)

ACTRESS (continued)                                                                                             (to SCAPIN)  
Are these the people?

            (SCAPIN raises his head, looks around and nods weakly.)

                                                ACTRESS (continued)                                                                                   ALL RIGHT!

(SHE picks up the table by herself and whips it over her head to down center.  The BROTHERS set the board and SCAPIN down upon it.)  

				ACTRESS (continued)
EVERYBODY LISTEN UP!!  THIS MAN HAS SOMETHING TO SAY.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I know not how long I have to live.  I have come to beg you all to forgive me.

(There is a general assent, except for the PARENTS.  Quick lines like, "Well sure", "Of course", and "Don't worry about", as suites each character.)

SCAPIN (continued)                                                                                               (going right on)  
Especially Madam Argante and Mr. Geronte.

ARGANTE                                                                                          (stepping to his side)  
I forgive you.  Go die in peace.

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      And you, sir.  Can you forgive me for making you ACTUALLY BELIEVE that I was all those . . . 

GERONTE                                                                                   (cutting him off, very grumpily) 
I forgive you!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I'm so sorry that I took you to be so gullible that you would climb into a . . . 

                                                GERONTE                                                                         Just drop it!

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      You are a good man.  But do you even forgive me for making you think that a whole army of . . . 

                                                GERONTE                                                                         
I forgive you, I forgive you!  Stop talking about it!

SCAPIN                                                                                                (sitting up)  
Your words make me feel so much better, sir.

GERONTE                                                                                   (improvising, mischievously)  
Yes, but I forgive you only on condition that you die.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   What?

                                                GERONTE                                                                         
I take back my forgiveness if by chance you live.

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   That's not a very happy ending.

ARGANTE                                                                                          (SHE has an idea.)  
Mr. Geronte.  On this special occasion, let us let bygones be bygones.

GERONTE/STEVE                                                                                    
No!  It's not in my character.

                                                ARGANTE                                                                                DEEEAARR!

                                                ALL                                                                                      DEAR??!

GERONTE                                                                                   (getting the idea)  
Yes.  YES.  Madam Argante . . . er . . . Madam GERONTE and I were married in Tarente.  We thought it best to keep it a secret until all our family business was arranged.

(Cheers and laughter and congratulations.  The ACTRESS whispers in GERONTE’S ear.)

GERONTE (continued)                                                                                  (waving hands and shouting to get the attention back)  
And I will extend the happiness of this day to Scapin, PROVIDED...
            (now HE really has their attention) 
that he offer to take this dear widow as his wife.

(SCAPIN mumbles incoherent words to the ACTRESS.)

                                                ACTRESS                                                                                    I ACCEPT.

            (ALL cheer.)

                                                GERONTE                                                                         All that we need now is someone to perform this wedding ceremony.

(The local MINISTER and his WIFE enter above, still dressed as contemporary tourists.)

                                                MINISTER                                                                                    Excuse me, did I hear you say you need a minister?

(ALL cheer and line up across from each other.  Everyone has gotten into couples.  The MINISTER takes his little black book out of his breast pocket, and holds it up in front of him.)

                                                MINISTER (continued)                                                                                   Do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded wife?

                                                ALL MEN                                                                                    I DO!

(ALL turn and look at SCAPIN, who has not yet agreed.  The ACTRESS pulls out RUSTY'S gun and points it at SCAPIN.)

                                                SCAPIN                                                                                      I do too.

            (cheers and laughter)

MINISTER                                                                                              (going right on, yelling over the crowd)  
And do you take these men as your husbands?

                                                ALL WOMEN                                                                                    WE DO!

                                                MINISTER                                                                                    Uh--I now pronounce you men and wives!

            (His WIFE tugs on his sleeve and whispers something in his ear.)

                                                MINISTER (continued)                                                                                   Oh, yeah.  And you may kiss the brides.

(MUSIC strikes up.  ALL lean toward a kiss, but RUSTY bolts up out of his seat.  HE has finally realized something.)

                                                RUSTY                                                                                   Wait a minute!  That's my gun.

(MUSIC winds down, like a record turned off with the needle still on the record.  ALL turn and look toward MOLLY.)

MOLLY                                                                                             (sitting up)  
You're right.  It is.

(MOLLY reaches over and takes the gun from the ACTRESS.  She holds it gingerly by the end of the barrel, so there is absolutely no sense of threat toward RUSTY.)

GAIL                                                                                             (standing)  
Haul her in for stealing your gun, Rusty!

(RUSTY comes onto the stage, and DEL stands where he is.  MOLLY crosses down to the audience.)

                                                MOLLY                                                                                   All right everybody.  EVERYBODY.  Did I take this gun out of Rusty's holster?

            (CAST and AUDIENCE shout, "NO!")

				MOLLY (continued)
Did I get this gun out of that chair?

            (CAST and AUDIENCE shout, "YES!")

				MOLLY (continued)
Are you willing to forgive your civil servant's carelessness with a dangerous weapon IF his wife drops her charges against me?

            (ALL shout, "YES!")

				MOLLY (continued)
Rusty?

                                                RUSTY                                                                                   Drop the charges, Gail.

                                                GAIL                                                                                   All right, but you're sleepin' on the sofa tonight, buster.
            (SHE exits through the back of the house.)

RUSTY                                                                                             (HE quickly gets his gun from MOLLY.  Then, coming down off the stage, HE follows GAIL.)  
Wait up, Gail.  I thought I was your sweet potato.

DEL WALLINGA                                                                                              (As HE exits)  
Thanks a lot.  It was a pretty good play.

MOLLY and ALL                                                                                      
You're welcome.

MOLLY 
            (pointing to the booth:)
Now Marty!
            (pointing to the REVEREND)  
Now Rev!
            (looking at the audience)  
Everybody say "Cheese"!

(The entire CAST links arms with sweethearts and looks up toward the REVEREND.  The REVEREND points his camera toward the audience and cast as the THEME from the "Wedding March" plays.  The camera FLASHES and there is a BLACKOUT.  As soon as the applause begins, the ACTRESS’S dance MUSIC fades in to replace the "Wedding March".  It plays throughout the curtain call.)

End of Play